I had a whole other blog written, edited it over 3 days, was just about to hit the publish button, contemplated a few more days and thought...it was just too much crazy to reveal about me in one post and I deleted the whole thing...it was pretty cathartic and brought me the closure the crazy ruined me needed... Sorry to those of you that were looking forward to reading all my actual documented psychotic episodes.
So not too much has been different with me, apart from living in a bizarro world where I feel like I am watching myself try and navigate through a sea of people that are clearly operating with a different set of goals/morals. I try to live by my word if I say I am going to be somewhere I, apart from sickness or natural disaster, am there and a half hour early. If something happens to a friend I try not to one up their experience with mine, yes I do recount a smiliar experience but I try and make my experience more grand and fantastic. Other people do not seem to operate under this same moral guideline, they have to one-up everyone all the time and their experience is always MORE then everyone elses. I also try to be who I am at all times, I hope that those of you that know me agree. I don't try and act street-tough and then turn around and be an innocent country bumpkin and in the next second I am a career mogal and then leave the room acting as though this is my first job and I don't know what to do. I try and be honest but I know I hava a temper and I know I shut people out. I find it hard to look a dishonest person in the eye and I find it even harder to take anything that comes out of their mouth with any amount of credit. I have been looking around at people that I am around everyday and I am finding it very difficult to not get sucked into all the drama and I feel I am dragging others in the black funnel of shit with me. I don't know how to shut it off and still function without putting the iron curtain up, I want to see the good in people but as soon as my trust is broken...it's pretty much game over. I just feel like we are all a row of fake houses and behind the facade we are all trying to hold the picture of our pretty houses up...while I am in a tent saying..."what's the point"-----anyone understand that? I dont!
My 31-soon-to-be-32-year-old crisis is in full swing, I am questioning myself everyday whether I am happy, whether I am/have made the correct decisions in my life, whether I am where I am supposed to be not just where I "think" I should be. There are things I am unhappy or unsure about, I don't know if moving back from the UK was exactly the right decision but I am at a point where I can't change it now even if I wanted to. I question the job I have, it is a good paycheck (well a steady one at least) but it is a huge corporate machine that will chew me up and spit me out and consume more like me.....it is scary. I like to think I am corporate hard but maybe I am not that hard. I seem to be doing well at my job and I enjoy the challenges of the work but this place really encourages my workaholism and I find the 3 hrs I spend in the car coupled with the 11.5 hours I usually work make me crave more work and less time at home, because I can make more money that way and I will be happier right??? Also it leads to my over eating, I feel like I work all this time I should enjoy the fruits of my labor with a trip to sheetz or somewhere else yummy. I don't smoke my stress away, and I usually don't drink my stress away...I don't have time to sleep or exercise my stress away so I eat it all....and that is an excuse. I know it...
So onto the good news, WE ARE PRE-APPROVED FOR A MORTGAGE! We just found out and have been like squeally teenagers ever since...and I am also starting to freak about how we are going to afford it all. I know everyone goes through this, but this is a huge huge financial decision and wow now that it is i real I might be a little gun shy. I don't want to buy the wrong house, a too expensive house, a house with huge structual problems, a house that isn't close enough to either of our work places or a house that we can afford but just isn't right for us. Plus I get terrible buyers remorse for even little things, so it will prob take me 100 years to not feel guilty about this purchase.
That is about it kids, not too interesting and a little bit whiney for me, but love me or leave me.
