A little bit of the slime is wiped away

I thought I better get in here and blog today as I am feeling slightly better then I have been in the last two weeks. I don't feel like the world is collapsing in on me and that I am a stranger in a strange land so much today.  I don't know if it is all the sunshine or the 2 McGriddles I ate this morning...either way I am going with it.

The last time we left off I think I was having another sleepless night where all I do is worry, fret and generally think of myself as a failure.  I did go to that interivew I talked about and I didn't feel as zombie like as I thought I would, however I did get lost and ended up showing up 30 mins late.  They still let me interview but followed it up with a "you suck, you were late" letter...I deserved it.

Afterwards Roy got an invite to go down to Allentown to interview at a poshy posh supermarket as a butcher, we went he did great and they invited him back for a second interview where they would see just how great he is with the steel and then settle out of the final salary and benefits. So that Friday we were supposed to get down to Allentown I woke up SO SICK, at the time I didn't know if it was nerves about possibly moving 2.5 hours east of where I wanted to live, but a job is a job and we both need one each.  Anywho I puked my guts out, and puked some more, and puked until I thought my stomach would turn inside out...and then it started at the other end...oh yes folks this was full blown stomach flu.  I told Roy that I would still go to the interview with him we just might need to stop a lot!  However he said "No Way" and we stayed home...I got over it pretty much in 24 hours although the two days after the initial day I was still a bit shaky and stayed away from eating...mostly anything apart from Saltines (my English Roses, think Jacobs cream crackers).  Then on Saturday night Roy started puking and pooing..not great, he took a little bit longer to get over it but he eventually did get over the stomach flu. 

Remember the last time we spoke and I said about "bug bites" yeah substitute the words "bug bites" for "the worst poison ivy rash that ever existed".  I somehow, probably helping to weed the yard, touched or came into contact with poison ivy.  I have lived in the USA for 25 years before I departed for her majesty's shores and never EVER got this terrible rash...well in my 31st year I had my dues paid right back....this is terrible and can look like this

Thankfully mine didn't look this bad mine looked more like this

and no that isn't actually my leg/arm/extremity.  But I can say it itched really really really bad, like keep you awake at night, want to rip your skin off and douse it in bleach.  Which funnily enough is the way to get rid of it, or at least it was for me.  I tried everything but nothing worked for me apart from hot scalding showers (when you have poison ivy rash this feels like 1,000 orgasms...ohhh ahh) and after the hottest shower ever I wiped down with bleach...dried it up in almost a week and now I am down to one hot scalder a day and I can sorta sleep at night (when I am not worrying or fretting...which hasn't exactly happened yet).

So anyway after battling through the stomach flu, poison ivy rash, and the constant threat of depression...Dillinger decided to throw his hat into the ring and start limping  THANK YOU!  However it wasn't too bad I called this morning at 8am and he had an appt at 9.20am, and WOW were the staff and Vet a nice bunch and it only cost $12.75 to get his little foot back and running, he had a little bit of a toe nail issue that was easily fixed with a toe nail trim.  If you have ever heard me talk about Dill you know that he has major feet issues and won't even let me close to him when he needs anything done with this feet, so I needed to call in the professionals.

Also during the last two weeks Roy and I have been lending a hand at church for  vaction bible school (VBS)  if you aren't familiar basically it is 2 weeks of a program where all the kids in the church (and their friends) come to our church and do arts and crafts, have snacks and learn about Jesus.  It has been great to have a purpose, a place to go where people depend on you...even if it is to take attendence and paint some wooden boxes or hand out the snack.    Some of the kids were really cute but I left every night still thanking the good Lord that I didn't have any brats to take home (much to my mothers dismay).  Last night was the final night for VBS and I have to say that I am a little sad to not be going anymore.  I will miss it, and I will have to find something to do during my evenings now.

As for us, we are still looking for jobs, I am applying for everything that I "think" I can do.  I have given up on applying for the fun stuff, because someone else always gets that job not me.  I have also found out that I am terrified of not being able to do a tough job, so I have been applying for the stuff I know I can do with my eyes closed.  Hello my name is Kristen and I have no confidence (Hello Kristen).    Roy is also applying and is slowly losing the will to live, but in true knight-in-shining-armor he encourages me everyday and tries to keep the faith that things will work out. 

Roy finally got ahold of Alan the other day and had a good long chat with him..he is doing ok and keeping busy.

In keeping with my good mood I thought I would just say that I am thankful for everyone telling us that things will work out, that God has a good plans for us, and for just praying for us.  I also want to thank the Hassinger family who keep giving us some work here and there, which helps to keep the wolves from the door and food on the table and I am eternally grateful.  Also thanks to Sally for the pep talks and the constant support and to Ike and Ashley for keeping the "British Butcher" in mind, I know that Roy values that as well.  Also thank you to our church family who keep encouraging us and praying for us there is too many to mention and I don't want to offend anyone if I forget to mention you here.  A final and huge thanks goes to Mom, we havent yet fought and you are always a source of laughter, common sense and encouragement...thanks for helping with Dad and being the buffer between me and family memebers who are not my biggest fan.

Well off to go do something productive.

My 2.21am, freaking out, can't sleep, oh-my-goodness-what-have-I-done-blog!

It's 2.23am here in the good old US of A and I can't sleep.  I have an interview tomorrow, and I am supposed to be fresh and professional, and I want to be fresh and professional...but I just can not stop worrying and freaking out and thinking I have made the worst mistake moving here.  I left a job that I loved and by all accounts (from what I heard from the glowing comments, emails, and subsequent Faccebook comments from all my now former co-workers) I was pretty friggin good at.  Roy left a job that he was beginning to really take flight in, however he didn't "technically" have a job after May 19th, but I am sure something would have worked out there. 

Did we move to soon? We only had about 3 more years of me working 7 days a week and Roy working when he could find a steady placement until we were debt free.  My 2.27am brain is convinced that we might have been too hasty in our upping sticks and moving the farm here.  I am also convinced I am being severely attacked by the dark side of life.  I feel like there isn't a job out there for me.  I have been looking and applying and looking and applying and nothing is a solid "Oh heck yeah,' I would love to do that", and I am TERRIFIED of getting into a job I HATE and getting stuck.  I have this heartburn growing in my chest because I don't know what is out there for us, and I don't feel like a contributing member of society because I am not contributing financially to that society...it all makes me very teary.

I didn't picture at 31 that I would be still living at home with a parent, married, covered in bug bites, crying, unable to sleep with this little thing as my 2.32am companion.

  

I also didn't know I was gonna visit my only 60 year old father in a nursing home, and not have a thing of value to my name apart from my dog, and my wedding rings.  It is a lot to take in and a lot to deal with and I thought I had this game on lock!  I guess I don't and now it is coming out in a can't sleep, major life re-thinking, what-the-h-am-I-gonna-do-now, freak out.

To be honest I don't have much option here, I can't move back to the UK, we dont' have the money for that and we don't have jobs there either, and who knows if Alan would even let us move back in.  I have to stay here and maybe start applying to "Would you like fries with that" academy., but my inner job snobbiness won't let me..but I have to suck up my pride once again and go and get the necessary done..*wretch*

I pretty sure what brought this freak out on is all the "you suck, we don't want you" letters that I am  getting coupled with an interview tomorrow, that to be honest, when I applied I thought they would NEVER call me...but of course they did.  I am so waiting for them to laugh me out of the interview tomorrow, and I just feel this pressure, not from anyone else but from myself, that I need to excel and be the 31 year old professional, home owner that I so desperately want to be.

Today we looked at campers thinking we would buy one and just live in that, which to honest the campers (caravans) over here are amazing, not the Mom and Pop pop up campers I grew up in...no siree bob.  However now that we are jobless losers, we go to car dealers and camping centers, and troll through real estate websites and say "well we would love to purchase, rent, buy, your product however we don't have jobs and we still live at home"....also try getting a bank account here when you only have green card and a passport and no other form of "US issued photo ID"...just go ahead and try...you can't do it!  We are social pariah's we are the "foreigners", sometimes I look at people and almost wonder if they are saying "Well you did this to yourself Kristen, you deserted the homeland 5 years ago, don't expect us to welcome you back with open arms now"...ugh my 2.44am brain is a stinker isn't it?

Well I don't have a positive note to end on, in fact I think that my "I will blog and get this all out, and feel much better" blog is a total failure, and has only made my want to eat all the junk food in the house (but I won't because all the chocolate and sugary, salty junk food belongs to my wonderful mother because I decided I needed to get back on SW to stop being so fat so I wouldn't get depressed) and I don't think a nice healthy apple would hit the spot...maybe a touch of trash tv will whisk me off and the sandman will appear...but what will prob happen is I will turn the TV on, Roy will come out from the bedroom and ask what is wrong, I will tell him to go to sleep because he needs to ace his fab interview tomorrow (he has one too) and I will sit here scratching my bug bites until it is time to leave for my interview feeling more like a zombie and sub consciously blow the interview anyway.....there's my 2.49am fighting spirit.

London, the Sharpes have landed.

Yes yes I know I haven't blogged in awhile, and I have had some major changes going on.  We have finally made the big move to the US of A.  Yep we are here. People keep asking I am glad to be here, the only they I can say is "yes and no"  I am excited to be here and to finally be getting on with our lives, however I miss the comfort of my friends and steady income in the UK, please don't misunderstand I have plenty of friends in the US but I also have plenty of friends in the UK and I miss them terribly.  I also miss having my own car, and a million other things (double deckers...ha ha..not the buses the candy bar). 

We have been super busy since arriving and that is good for me, I need to keep moving or I will shut down and stop moving altogether and that is bad.

The weeks before we moved over were filled with anxiety of getting rid of the cars, and gettting packed, and getting the dog to the airport....it was VERY stressful and I might have turned on Roy a few times when it really wasn't his fault.  The goodbye with fonster-in-law was un-emotional which was expected but on the same not disappointing, Roy got a handshake and a "good luck with your life" and I got a kiss on the cheek and a "safe travels" message.  Dillinger on the other hand got a good fussing but didn't pay attention as he wanted  to get in the car and was too worried about being left behind.  I don't know, what sort of goodbye I wanted, but I was disappointed with the one we got.

The night before we flew we rented a Travelodge hotel room, I know we only paid £19 for it, and I also know that they aren't known for their 5 star rating...but SHEESH...disgusting with a capital "D".  I won't go into the nitty gritty of the disgustingness of this chain of hotels but if someone didn't wipe their backside with our sheets, then I can't tell you what was on that sheet...BLECH!!  It was a nightmare, it was hot, the traffic was loud, Dillinger barked or growled everytime someone opened/shut/slammed their door.    I was in hell, I was stressed about the flight, the dog, finding our way to everywhere we needed to be and I just couldn't sleep.  I was also thinking "Are we moving because of me?, Am I uprooting everyone because of something I want?"....it's a lot of stress and I didn't deal well with it.  We also met up with one of Roy's cousins to give her some pictures of the family and they had such a great time reminincing that I felt mega guilty for making us all move.  So let's just say I didn't feel good about everything that was happening.

However, it all worked out, we found the places we needed to go, I cried a lot when they took Dill away to get loaded on the lane (yes I know I would see him again, but the look he gave me was a look I shan't forget anytime soon, it was a "what they heck did I do wrong?" look).  We boarded the plane, the flight went great, immigration was a breeze, customs was a pain but we got through it.  All in all that Tuesday wasn't the nightmare I was anticipating it to be.

Wednesday was a new day, we got up at like 5.30am just not able to sleep much longer , took Dill on a walk and started working on the pool just to occupy ourselves.  We are living with my Mother, she works alot and needs some help getting the house sorted...I think we both thought it would all be done in a day and when we started on it realized that it might be an all summer project...overwhelmed isn't the word to describe how we felt...but we have been working on it when we can and it is really coming along.

Roy and I also started some part time jobs, we are working for great local family that run a bed and breakfast on a farm type dealy.  Roy cooks for the guests when he is required to do so, and I have been doing everything from answering phones to cleaning the cabins.  We have really enjoyed overselves helping out and we have made some good friends in the process.  Roy has been learning a lot about farming and PA butchery which is a huge, huge blessing and I can tell they really like his company, and he likes theirs.  I have been looking for a job, found a few that were interesting and I have an interview on June 11th about a position...hoping this works out so we can get cell phones and a reliable car.  Roy is waiting on his Social Security card to come through so he can apply but is keeping up with what is out there and is poised and ready to strike when he has that all important number.

We have also been house hunting, and horse hunting which is all great fun because at the moment money is no object...welcome to the world of fantasy shopping...woo hoo!!

So we have been good, getting there slowly (well not really it hasn't even two weeks).  Keep us in your prayers!  I am one step closer to being a farmers wife...woo hoo!!  However starting your life over is hard, and it takes awhile, and it take patience, and I don't have very much patience but I am learning very slowly that I need to be patient.

Second, third and fourth thoughts?

So here I am a little under 3 weeks until we move to the US...am I having second thoughts?  I sure as hell am...will I decide that I am not gonna move back...no.  Moving back to the US has been a dream we have talked about pretty much since we got married, it might not be the best time financially but we need to make this move to move on and up.  I am scared as hell and I used to live there for 25 years,  why at 31 am I soo scared to move back to a place I know and love?  I don't know, I think it is my fear of failure in hyper drive...I don't remember being so scared at 25 to up sticks and move here, but then all I wanted was to be with Roy, I would have lived in a third world country to lay beside him every night and be his wife..and I still would.

I think nothing has been harder then to leave my jobs.  My part time job was working for Home Instead as a carer, I had been there almost 2 years and had grown very close to some of my elderly lovelies. I know in that kind of work you shouldn't really get emotionally involved because you know one way or another you might not be caring for your clients for very long, however I can't NOT become involved and I can NOT not care about them.  I didn't cry when I said goodbye to them, but I did feel guilty.

My full time job might be a lot harder.  I found it quite hard to want to or even attempt to handover the reigns this week.  When my replacement was announced, all I can say was that my reaction was less then excited. I think it was then that I realized this was really happening, and I became jealous...this new girl was gonna be the new me...what if she does a better job?  What if my co-workers like her more?  What if they realize I was really crappy at my job?..I can't explain it but it really tore me apart inside.  I have a friend that does that same job I do, she actually helped trained me when I first went into this business and she described our job as "a job that any monkey can do"...which really irked me, I work damn hard at what I do and I am passionate and to describe it likes that ....well you might as well punch me square in the face.  I do care about the sort of work I do, and I try to be the best at what I do...needless to say this didn't help.  However I got to thinking, first days are hard enough, we all hate them and I would never want to start a job where I thought people disliked me. So I made a pact with myself and the new girl (although she didn't know) that I would do the very best for her, welcome her into my team and train her to the best standard I can do.  You know that "treat others as you would like to be treated"...I belive in that, and my 31 year old heart is dedicated to that.  Rock on!

However all this new work optimism has not translated into my personal life.  I still feel in desperate need of a pep talk.  I have been doing some job hunting on the internet and all it seems to show me is how niche my job is and how a lot of things don't "fit" for me.  I can be anybodys secretary, I can be an administrative assitant until I am old and gray...but I don't want to be someone secretary, I want to be someone's boss.  I know it sounds snobbish and maybe a little selfish but I am at a point in my career where I am afraid if I step down to a lesser position it is gonna be that much harder to make the larger step up to where I want to be.  This might be an unfounded fear and who knows maybe when I get to the US I will find a job straight off that I love, but this is my current state of mind.  I think Roy will find a job

    I will end tonight with a final thought love it a wonderful thing and so is dog ownership...the 2 things that are keeping me smiling and keeping me sane and moving foward are these two.
 much faster then I will...either way we need to find jobs ASAP!

I am a fraud.

I sit here on the couch, stomach full of pasta and veggies and I feel like such a fraud.  I was just in the paper over the weekend for my stunning weight loss that I have acheived...then promptly went on an Easter eating spree and gained 10lbs and 2 weeks.  Yep you read right 10 WHOLE POUNDS!  That is almost 30lbs since Christmas.

I could and would normally  sit here and make excuses as to what made me gain all that weight or, that it wasn't what I ate it was stress/lady probs/muscle gain, but I won't.  I know exactly where all that weight came from, I ate it! I ate like I was never gonna get another ounce of food in this body.  I am not upset about the gain, I am more upset at my ambivelance toward gaining the weight.  I don't feel anything about it but disappointment that I don't care.  Why don't I care?  Why am I not out running 3 miles a day and sticking to the diet?  It is an easy diet and I feel 100% better when I eat to program, and I love it when people tell me how great I look..yet the taste of junk food somehow in my head over rules all the good and I stick the junk in my mouth and swallow.  Ugh, I promised all of FB land and myself that on my 31st b-day all the crap eating stoppe and I was gonna get serious, see how I break my promises to myself?  I suck.

It has been a crazy time in my life, everything is changing, everyone is changing.  I guess if there was an excuse for my eating it would be  that yes it might be stress or it just might be a way of grounding myself to the familiar.  Eating junk is familiar to me, I have eaten junk and have been fat for let's say 25 years, it is comfotable and "normal" to me.  I mean it isn't "normal" but I have always been the "fat girl" I didn't want to be, but not enough to not put those chips in my mush, and not enough to stop myself from shoveling the last 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream into my gob.  So that is my excuse I am longing for something familiar that doesn't talk back, but food should not be my soft landing, and I am  going to try and find something else, because if I keep turning to food to fill my emotional voids I will quite literally die from it.

In a less morbid thought, we are moving really closely to moving out of this house, and I tell you it can't come soon enough.  I do worry that a "normal" married life which includes living on our own is a long way off, and there is a so much pressure for us to get job ASAP.  I know in the long run we will be ok,  but damn is it scary to start over again.

Well it is off to bed, or the kitchen...

What to blog, what to blog...

I know, I know, I have been pretty absent with my blogging lately, would you take that the old "life got in the way" excuse?

I have been trying to think of something that blog about, I mean I could bitch and complain about the traffic, finances, in-laws and work, however I have wanted to keep away from a blog that complains about EVERYTHING.  I read enough of those on a daily basis, and don't want to contribute to the social rot out there.

I guess my update is that I am surviving life, waiting for it all to begin in a little over a month.  Be warned that I will then say that life can't begin again until we are employed and have money in the bank, then life won't begin until we have a house or a place of our own....seems our life might be on hold for awhile...hmph! 

I have been struggling a bit with my look, or lack there of.  Someone at work thought I was 40 yesterday and didn't believe that in fact I am only 31.  I am thinking about cutting my hair, however everytime I cut it I am desperate for it to be long once again.  I want to look stunning, don't we all?  I just don't want to spend the time doing it.  I don't wear make-up ever, ok every once in a while I do think I look extra-corpsey and I pop some mascera on.  I think I look terrible with makeup on, to be honest I dont' really know how to put it on.  Would it be weird for a 31 year-old to have makeup lessons?  I have had people try and make me over, but I think I look like a old-age country singer who is trying too hard...ha ha sorry to those of you that have attempted a make-over on me...he he.

So I am getting really excited about this move, when I don't stress about the money or the lack of jobs.  I am pretty hung up on what car I am going to have next.  I love cars, I think that getting a new car is better than sex (sorry honey), even if it is a used car...I want to drive it.  What I really want is a Jeep Wrangler soft top...I know sooo impractical right?  Ok what I really really really want is a black mercedes benz...but let's be realistic here, let's stick to the cars I might be able to buy, so let's go back to the Jeep Wrangler.  This car is the ultimate winter and summer car, but I know that they suck on gas and they almost always have probs with their transmissions.  Roy and I need a car we both can drive for awhile, he wants a truck I want an SUV.  I wouldn't mind (if we had the money) shipping my Lexus over, but my Lexus is old and I think is starting to die but it fits me perfectly and wouldn't need much to give it a new lease on life.  So every once in a while Roy and I get on ebay and fantasy shop for cars, and that leads to fantasy shopping for houses, then I gotta stop and have a little cry because the house dream is so far off.

I need a lottery win

I think that is my brian dump for the moment, discuss and enjoy.

My life might actually be coming off hold.

So not a whole lot has happened since my last blog, I am still feeling like this move isn't real and that it probably won't happen.  However I am preparing for it to happen, we now have an internationl mover coming to take our stuff on May 12th, which is one less thing I have to worry about woo hoo.

However with all the worry swirling around in my curly haired head, there is the thought that Roy and I might just get to live like a married couple should....like on our own without parents.  Almost 6 years of marriage and SHAAAZAAM we might, just might have our own place.  I do think about this a lot and have found that looking at houses on the internet spurs me on to keep pushing forward and to make this move happen.  It has also taught me just how much of a house snob I am.  I look at houses and say things like "Ohh horrible carpet" or "Who the hell in their right mind would put that wallpaper up?" or my best one yet "Eww that house looks like 100 grannys have died in it"  Yep I am a house snob of the worst kind. But, I think I have a right to be, I have waited long enough and been through enough shit to want to have, what I want to have.  My Mom is not a part of my house snobbery, she thinks if it is cheap and still standing I should buy it.  NO WAY!

I don't let myself get too excited about buying a house (ha ha, well I "try" not to get excited), because I know we still need to get good jobs, buy at least 2 cars, and at the very least get ourselves a cell phone contract.  Not to mention we need to get furniture, save for the down payment and build up my credit...so I know we have some time and some money to find.  However whenever I think of these hurdles I also think about the most inspiring thing my husband has ever said to me, and he said it at a time when I so desperately needed to hear it.  I will set the scene for you:

Picture us standing in front the of the US Embassy in London, we were in line to go in and hear the decision whether Roy would get his green card or not.  After a morning of running (literally) to the train station, hopping on the early train, fighting the rush hour crowds on the London tube, almost getting food poisoing from THE WORSE BK breakfast ever, and navigating our way to the Embassy we were finally in the line I had worried and dreamed about for 10 months.  We were about 5 people away froom going into the security hut and then finally going into the Embassy to wait and wait and wait and wait until our number finally came up and we go to the window 13 to find out our fate.  So we are standing there, it is sunny and raining a little bit, as is typical of English weather, I am looking at the huge golden eagle perched on top of this unimpressive office building, and trying to identify the states flags that wave outside (I am rubbish at this by the way) and I hear Roy say "You know darlin, the only thing that stands between us and our farm is this building and about $190,000."  I don't know what happend inside, but it just clicked....he was right...just this building and the decision that awaits inside and a good chunk of money, and I will be well on my way to being a farmers wife, and that is the end goal right?

So anway here I sit 2 months and a little bit from hopping on that plane and re-beginning my life as an American.  I don't feel anything but worry...and maybe just hint a of excitement...but I just might be taking my life off hold and that is more exiciting then all the worry I have.