I sit here on the couch, stomach full of pasta and veggies and I feel like such a fraud. I was just in the paper over the weekend for my stunning weight loss that I have acheived...then promptly went on an Easter eating spree and gained 10lbs and 2 weeks. Yep you read right 10 WHOLE POUNDS! That is almost 30lbs since Christmas.
I could and would normally sit here and make excuses as to what made me gain all that weight or, that it wasn't what I ate it was stress/lady probs/muscle gain, but I won't. I know exactly where all that weight came from, I ate it! I ate like I was never gonna get another ounce of food in this body. I am not upset about the gain, I am more upset at my ambivelance toward gaining the weight. I don't feel anything about it but disappointment that I don't care. Why don't I care? Why am I not out running 3 miles a day and sticking to the diet? It is an easy diet and I feel 100% better when I eat to program, and I love it when people tell me how great I look..yet the taste of junk food somehow in my head over rules all the good and I stick the junk in my mouth and swallow. Ugh, I promised all of FB land and myself that on my 31st b-day all the crap eating stoppe and I was gonna get serious, see how I break my promises to myself? I suck.
It has been a crazy time in my life, everything is changing, everyone is changing. I guess if there was an excuse for my eating it would be that yes it might be stress or it just might be a way of grounding myself to the familiar. Eating junk is familiar to me, I have eaten junk and have been fat for let's say 25 years, it is comfotable and "normal" to me. I mean it isn't "normal" but I have always been the "fat girl" I didn't want to be, but not enough to not put those chips in my mush, and not enough to stop myself from shoveling the last 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream into my gob. So that is my excuse I am longing for something familiar that doesn't talk back, but food should not be my soft landing, and I am going to try and find something else, because if I keep turning to food to fill my emotional voids I will quite literally die from it.
In a less morbid thought, we are moving really closely to moving out of this house, and I tell you it can't come soon enough. I do worry that a "normal" married life which includes living on our own is a long way off, and there is a so much pressure for us to get job ASAP. I know in the long run we will be ok, but damn is it scary to start over again.
Well it is off to bed, or the kitchen...
Friday, 13 April 2012
Saturday, 7 April 2012
What to blog, what to blog...
I know, I know, I have been pretty absent with my blogging lately, would you take that the old "life got in the way" excuse?
I have been trying to think of something that blog about, I mean I could bitch and complain about the traffic, finances, in-laws and work, however I have wanted to keep away from a blog that complains about EVERYTHING. I read enough of those on a daily basis, and don't want to contribute to the social rot out there.
I guess my update is that I am surviving life, waiting for it all to begin in a little over a month. Be warned that I will then say that life can't begin again until we are employed and have money in the bank, then life won't begin until we have a house or a place of our own....seems our life might be on hold for awhile...hmph!
I have been struggling a bit with my look, or lack there of. Someone at work thought I was 40 yesterday and didn't believe that in fact I am only 31. I am thinking about cutting my hair, however everytime I cut it I am desperate for it to be long once again. I want to look stunning, don't we all? I just don't want to spend the time doing it. I don't wear make-up ever, ok every once in a while I do think I look extra-corpsey and I pop some mascera on. I think I look terrible with makeup on, to be honest I dont' really know how to put it on. Would it be weird for a 31 year-old to have makeup lessons? I have had people try and make me over, but I think I look like a old-age country singer who is trying too hard...ha ha sorry to those of you that have attempted a make-over on me...he he.
So I am getting really excited about this move, when I don't stress about the money or the lack of jobs. I am pretty hung up on what car I am going to have next. I love cars, I think that getting a new car is better than sex (sorry honey), even if it is a used car...I want to drive it. What I really want is a Jeep Wrangler soft top...I know sooo impractical right? Ok what I really really really want is a black mercedes benz...but let's be realistic here, let's stick to the cars I might be able to buy, so let's go back to the Jeep Wrangler. This car is the ultimate winter and summer car, but I know that they suck on gas and they almost always have probs with their transmissions. Roy and I need a car we both can drive for awhile, he wants a truck I want an SUV. I wouldn't mind (if we had the money) shipping my Lexus over, but my Lexus is old and I think is starting to die but it fits me perfectly and wouldn't need much to give it a new lease on life. So every once in a while Roy and I get on ebay and fantasy shop for cars, and that leads to fantasy shopping for houses, then I gotta stop and have a little cry because the house dream is so far off.
I need a lottery win
I think that is my brian dump for the moment, discuss and enjoy.
I have been trying to think of something that blog about, I mean I could bitch and complain about the traffic, finances, in-laws and work, however I have wanted to keep away from a blog that complains about EVERYTHING. I read enough of those on a daily basis, and don't want to contribute to the social rot out there.
I guess my update is that I am surviving life, waiting for it all to begin in a little over a month. Be warned that I will then say that life can't begin again until we are employed and have money in the bank, then life won't begin until we have a house or a place of our own....seems our life might be on hold for awhile...hmph!
I have been struggling a bit with my look, or lack there of. Someone at work thought I was 40 yesterday and didn't believe that in fact I am only 31. I am thinking about cutting my hair, however everytime I cut it I am desperate for it to be long once again. I want to look stunning, don't we all? I just don't want to spend the time doing it. I don't wear make-up ever, ok every once in a while I do think I look extra-corpsey and I pop some mascera on. I think I look terrible with makeup on, to be honest I dont' really know how to put it on. Would it be weird for a 31 year-old to have makeup lessons? I have had people try and make me over, but I think I look like a old-age country singer who is trying too hard...ha ha sorry to those of you that have attempted a make-over on me...he he.
So I am getting really excited about this move, when I don't stress about the money or the lack of jobs. I am pretty hung up on what car I am going to have next. I love cars, I think that getting a new car is better than sex (sorry honey), even if it is a used car...I want to drive it. What I really want is a Jeep Wrangler soft top...I know sooo impractical right? Ok what I really really really want is a black mercedes benz...but let's be realistic here, let's stick to the cars I might be able to buy, so let's go back to the Jeep Wrangler. This car is the ultimate winter and summer car, but I know that they suck on gas and they almost always have probs with their transmissions. Roy and I need a car we both can drive for awhile, he wants a truck I want an SUV. I wouldn't mind (if we had the money) shipping my Lexus over, but my Lexus is old and I think is starting to die but it fits me perfectly and wouldn't need much to give it a new lease on life. So every once in a while Roy and I get on ebay and fantasy shop for cars, and that leads to fantasy shopping for houses, then I gotta stop and have a little cry because the house dream is so far off.
I need a lottery win
I think that is my brian dump for the moment, discuss and enjoy.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
My life might actually be coming off hold.
So not a whole lot has happened since my last blog, I am still feeling like this move isn't real and that it probably won't happen. However I am preparing for it to happen, we now have an internationl mover coming to take our stuff on May 12th, which is one less thing I have to worry about woo hoo.
However with all the worry swirling around in my curly haired head, there is the thought that Roy and I might just get to live like a married couple should....like on our own without parents. Almost 6 years of marriage and SHAAAZAAM we might, just might have our own place. I do think about this a lot and have found that looking at houses on the internet spurs me on to keep pushing forward and to make this move happen. It has also taught me just how much of a house snob I am. I look at houses and say things like "Ohh horrible carpet" or "Who the hell in their right mind would put that wallpaper up?" or my best one yet "Eww that house looks like 100 grannys have died in it" Yep I am a house snob of the worst kind. But, I think I have a right to be, I have waited long enough and been through enough shit to want to have, what I want to have. My Mom is not a part of my house snobbery, she thinks if it is cheap and still standing I should buy it. NO WAY!
I don't let myself get too excited about buying a house (ha ha, well I "try" not to get excited), because I know we still need to get good jobs, buy at least 2 cars, and at the very least get ourselves a cell phone contract. Not to mention we need to get furniture, save for the down payment and build up my credit...so I know we have some time and some money to find. However whenever I think of these hurdles I also think about the most inspiring thing my husband has ever said to me, and he said it at a time when I so desperately needed to hear it. I will set the scene for you:
Picture us standing in front the of the US Embassy in London, we were in line to go in and hear the decision whether Roy would get his green card or not. After a morning of running (literally) to the train station, hopping on the early train, fighting the rush hour crowds on the London tube, almost getting food poisoing from THE WORSE BK breakfast ever, and navigating our way to the Embassy we were finally in the line I had worried and dreamed about for 10 months. We were about 5 people away froom going into the security hut and then finally going into the Embassy to wait and wait and wait and wait until our number finally came up and we go to the window 13 to find out our fate. So we are standing there, it is sunny and raining a little bit, as is typical of English weather, I am looking at the huge golden eagle perched on top of this unimpressive office building, and trying to identify the states flags that wave outside (I am rubbish at this by the way) and I hear Roy say "You know darlin, the only thing that stands between us and our farm is this building and about $190,000." I don't know what happend inside, but it just clicked....he was right...just this building and the decision that awaits inside and a good chunk of money, and I will be well on my way to being a farmers wife, and that is the end goal right?
So anway here I sit 2 months and a little bit from hopping on that plane and re-beginning my life as an American. I don't feel anything but worry...and maybe just hint a of excitement...but I just might be taking my life off hold and that is more exiciting then all the worry I have.
However with all the worry swirling around in my curly haired head, there is the thought that Roy and I might just get to live like a married couple should....like on our own without parents. Almost 6 years of marriage and SHAAAZAAM we might, just might have our own place. I do think about this a lot and have found that looking at houses on the internet spurs me on to keep pushing forward and to make this move happen. It has also taught me just how much of a house snob I am. I look at houses and say things like "Ohh horrible carpet" or "Who the hell in their right mind would put that wallpaper up?" or my best one yet "Eww that house looks like 100 grannys have died in it" Yep I am a house snob of the worst kind. But, I think I have a right to be, I have waited long enough and been through enough shit to want to have, what I want to have. My Mom is not a part of my house snobbery, she thinks if it is cheap and still standing I should buy it. NO WAY!
I don't let myself get too excited about buying a house (ha ha, well I "try" not to get excited), because I know we still need to get good jobs, buy at least 2 cars, and at the very least get ourselves a cell phone contract. Not to mention we need to get furniture, save for the down payment and build up my credit...so I know we have some time and some money to find. However whenever I think of these hurdles I also think about the most inspiring thing my husband has ever said to me, and he said it at a time when I so desperately needed to hear it. I will set the scene for you:
Picture us standing in front the of the US Embassy in London, we were in line to go in and hear the decision whether Roy would get his green card or not. After a morning of running (literally) to the train station, hopping on the early train, fighting the rush hour crowds on the London tube, almost getting food poisoing from THE WORSE BK breakfast ever, and navigating our way to the Embassy we were finally in the line I had worried and dreamed about for 10 months. We were about 5 people away froom going into the security hut and then finally going into the Embassy to wait and wait and wait and wait until our number finally came up and we go to the window 13 to find out our fate. So we are standing there, it is sunny and raining a little bit, as is typical of English weather, I am looking at the huge golden eagle perched on top of this unimpressive office building, and trying to identify the states flags that wave outside (I am rubbish at this by the way) and I hear Roy say "You know darlin, the only thing that stands between us and our farm is this building and about $190,000." I don't know what happend inside, but it just clicked....he was right...just this building and the decision that awaits inside and a good chunk of money, and I will be well on my way to being a farmers wife, and that is the end goal right?
So anway here I sit 2 months and a little bit from hopping on that plane and re-beginning my life as an American. I don't feel anything but worry...and maybe just hint a of excitement...but I just might be taking my life off hold and that is more exiciting then all the worry I have.
Monday, 5 March 2012
The secret is finally out
I am sure you are all aware by now that Roy and I have decided to move back to the US, we fly May 22nd and are excited...well kinda. If you didn't know...SURPRISE!
I have wanted this move for years, pretty much after the first awful year that I moved here. I remember traveling to work and begging God for us to win the lottery so we could move home, but he knew better than I did (as per usual). Now that we are moving and 95% of it is booked and paid for the only thing I can tell you is that I am feeling nothing but ambivelence....yep I don't feel really anything towards it. I would like to say that I am excited beyond words, or that I am scared to death...but honestly I am none of these, I am not even in the middle of these two emotions. I guess at this point I am ready for it all to blow up in my face and I am not letting myself feel anything towards "the move". I am concentrating on working and trying to survive and not stress too much, but I cracked last night.
Friday was a pretty shit day, both at work and personally. I won't discuss work here because they already get enough of my time and emotions. Personally I had a melt down and it looked like Roy was the unfortunate victim. Basically it started over some stupid ivory statues that Roy wanted to move home, this sent me into a rage, not quite sure why...maybe because when I explained to him that we are only taking bare minium these didn't factor into my thoughts, but this rage resulted in me standing in front of my work screaming and crying at him on my cell phone, then he got it again in the car on the ride home..poor chap. I hate when I am like this, I am so much like my father with my emotions and that does scare me. I love my Dad please do not get me wrong about that fact, but emotionally he was a terrorist, or de-void of emotion and I have come to pick those habits up. You either get loud, screamy, sharp tongued, hurtful me, where I hook my lips up to my brain and let every hurtful and irrational thought spill out, or I get silent. Which would you choose? Roy said he prefers the screaming me so at least I get out what I am thinking and I don't freeze him out...but after last night I am not so sure.
Anywho we have kissed and made up since last night, and this is another reason why I am in absolute all consuming love with this man.
So anyway back to move and my feeling of nothingness towards it. I guess if I had to pick an emotion that I am feeling towards this move it would have to be worry...I know shocked, me, worry about anything, NEVER! Yep I am worrying about the moving company, the dog flying and most of all the fact that we are both going to be unemployed in EEEK 2 months!!! I know a lot of people have told me I should have no problem finding a job, but what if I do? There is a lot of stuff riding on the fact that we need to get jobs, I guess the most important is that my Mom needs hip surgery and has it booked for June which means not only will 2 of us be out of work 3 of us will be out of work, and although I know my Mom is saving like mad...what if it isn't enough and we starve and die or have to turn to my brother for help?
The other factor that is affected by us not having jobs has to do with the whole reason that we are moving to the US....to live on our own, in our own house, begin our married life seperate from our parents and yes be a farmers wife. I dream about the day we get the mortgage and fend for ourselves. I dream about the day that I don't have to ask if I can paint a room, and I can go to bed without having to wash the dishes and not get it in the neck in the morning. I dream about the small farm we want, with the animals that depend on us with the house that needs us to warm its insides. What if it takes us a year to get a job? We have bills in 2 countries that need paid....oh dear Lord please don't let this be the worst mistake we ever make.
Yes worry would be what I am feeling about this move.....
I have wanted this move for years, pretty much after the first awful year that I moved here. I remember traveling to work and begging God for us to win the lottery so we could move home, but he knew better than I did (as per usual). Now that we are moving and 95% of it is booked and paid for the only thing I can tell you is that I am feeling nothing but ambivelence....yep I don't feel really anything towards it. I would like to say that I am excited beyond words, or that I am scared to death...but honestly I am none of these, I am not even in the middle of these two emotions. I guess at this point I am ready for it all to blow up in my face and I am not letting myself feel anything towards "the move". I am concentrating on working and trying to survive and not stress too much, but I cracked last night.
Friday was a pretty shit day, both at work and personally. I won't discuss work here because they already get enough of my time and emotions. Personally I had a melt down and it looked like Roy was the unfortunate victim. Basically it started over some stupid ivory statues that Roy wanted to move home, this sent me into a rage, not quite sure why...maybe because when I explained to him that we are only taking bare minium these didn't factor into my thoughts, but this rage resulted in me standing in front of my work screaming and crying at him on my cell phone, then he got it again in the car on the ride home..poor chap. I hate when I am like this, I am so much like my father with my emotions and that does scare me. I love my Dad please do not get me wrong about that fact, but emotionally he was a terrorist, or de-void of emotion and I have come to pick those habits up. You either get loud, screamy, sharp tongued, hurtful me, where I hook my lips up to my brain and let every hurtful and irrational thought spill out, or I get silent. Which would you choose? Roy said he prefers the screaming me so at least I get out what I am thinking and I don't freeze him out...but after last night I am not so sure.
Anywho we have kissed and made up since last night, and this is another reason why I am in absolute all consuming love with this man.
So anyway back to move and my feeling of nothingness towards it. I guess if I had to pick an emotion that I am feeling towards this move it would have to be worry...I know shocked, me, worry about anything, NEVER! Yep I am worrying about the moving company, the dog flying and most of all the fact that we are both going to be unemployed in EEEK 2 months!!! I know a lot of people have told me I should have no problem finding a job, but what if I do? There is a lot of stuff riding on the fact that we need to get jobs, I guess the most important is that my Mom needs hip surgery and has it booked for June which means not only will 2 of us be out of work 3 of us will be out of work, and although I know my Mom is saving like mad...what if it isn't enough and we starve and die or have to turn to my brother for help?
The other factor that is affected by us not having jobs has to do with the whole reason that we are moving to the US....to live on our own, in our own house, begin our married life seperate from our parents and yes be a farmers wife. I dream about the day we get the mortgage and fend for ourselves. I dream about the day that I don't have to ask if I can paint a room, and I can go to bed without having to wash the dishes and not get it in the neck in the morning. I dream about the small farm we want, with the animals that depend on us with the house that needs us to warm its insides. What if it takes us a year to get a job? We have bills in 2 countries that need paid....oh dear Lord please don't let this be the worst mistake we ever make.
Yes worry would be what I am feeling about this move.....
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Not a lot I can say about it.
I haven't blogged in a tad of time because there isn't much to talk about. Ok that is a lie,I have loads I would LOVE to talk about but I can't...for many reasons, but soon enough maybe I will be able to talk about things.
Mostly I have been working my arse off and burning myself out. Friday night I was driving home from work and just burst into tears, no reason, no sad thoughts, work was ok that day, I think it was just extreme tiredness. Then came the laughing, the laughter that I was sobbing for absolutly no reason, this brought on the hiccups...so I was a sobbing, laughing, hiccuping mess. I cleaned myself up by the time I got home and didn't mention (apart from Twitter) what had just happend. I just think I need more sleep and to use the word "no" a lot more.
I am firmly back on track with my weight loss, I have really cleaned up my diet and SHAZZAM my heartburn disappeared and I don't feel so creaky in my bones. Today I almost had a wobbly, but instead of getting the 24 inch french baguette I really wanted for lunch, Roy made a beautiful veggie pasta and I made an ok fruit salad which hit the spot a lot more then I thought it would and I was satisfied. So that is going ok, and I am hoping after this week's weigh in (I know it will be a gain, and I am determined to not let it bother me, but watch this space for my rantings after I find out how much I really gained) the scales will start to move downward again. This weight loss will put me closer to the farmers wife goal because once I feel I am light enough to start riding horse again, I am gonna get back in the saddle and start doing something that makes me so incredibly happy (and hope not to get too hurt in the process).
Have I mentioned how lucky I am to be married to the man I married. I know it is cliche to hear that I love him more and more everyday, but damn it is true. When we first got together (in person and not online) it was an all con-suming, can't get enough of each other, every thought was of being with each other love. The love I have now is a comfortable, secure, exciting, a damn-we-are-making-it...kind of love. I love this love, I look at this man and think JACK-FRIGGIN-POT! I have never been with someone who finds me irresistable and tells me so, nor have I been with someone who wants to be affectionate all the time and encourages with every crazy idea I have...but this man does and has done for the 6 years we have known one another. I have always been the chaser for everything, so when I am chased it feels good and I don't want it to stop. However I think he is the better spouse and I am not such a good love giver but I am getting better. I have a small little part of me that is scared to give all of myself to Roy because what if he leaves? I think we all have a small fear of that, but Roy does all he can to assure me what we have is real and isn't going to go away anytime soon. So yeah I just want to say that, not because I want you to be jealous, or that I am flaunting that I am married, but because it is how I truly you feel and for the neigh sayers that say this kind of love doesn't exist...I can say it does.
Anywho my amazing husband has made some amazing meal that I must go and do some serious damage to.
Toodles.
Mostly I have been working my arse off and burning myself out. Friday night I was driving home from work and just burst into tears, no reason, no sad thoughts, work was ok that day, I think it was just extreme tiredness. Then came the laughing, the laughter that I was sobbing for absolutly no reason, this brought on the hiccups...so I was a sobbing, laughing, hiccuping mess. I cleaned myself up by the time I got home and didn't mention (apart from Twitter) what had just happend. I just think I need more sleep and to use the word "no" a lot more.
I am firmly back on track with my weight loss, I have really cleaned up my diet and SHAZZAM my heartburn disappeared and I don't feel so creaky in my bones. Today I almost had a wobbly, but instead of getting the 24 inch french baguette I really wanted for lunch, Roy made a beautiful veggie pasta and I made an ok fruit salad which hit the spot a lot more then I thought it would and I was satisfied. So that is going ok, and I am hoping after this week's weigh in (I know it will be a gain, and I am determined to not let it bother me, but watch this space for my rantings after I find out how much I really gained) the scales will start to move downward again. This weight loss will put me closer to the farmers wife goal because once I feel I am light enough to start riding horse again, I am gonna get back in the saddle and start doing something that makes me so incredibly happy (and hope not to get too hurt in the process).
Have I mentioned how lucky I am to be married to the man I married. I know it is cliche to hear that I love him more and more everyday, but damn it is true. When we first got together (in person and not online) it was an all con-suming, can't get enough of each other, every thought was of being with each other love. The love I have now is a comfortable, secure, exciting, a damn-we-are-making-it...kind of love. I love this love, I look at this man and think JACK-FRIGGIN-POT! I have never been with someone who finds me irresistable and tells me so, nor have I been with someone who wants to be affectionate all the time and encourages with every crazy idea I have...but this man does and has done for the 6 years we have known one another. I have always been the chaser for everything, so when I am chased it feels good and I don't want it to stop. However I think he is the better spouse and I am not such a good love giver but I am getting better. I have a small little part of me that is scared to give all of myself to Roy because what if he leaves? I think we all have a small fear of that, but Roy does all he can to assure me what we have is real and isn't going to go away anytime soon. So yeah I just want to say that, not because I want you to be jealous, or that I am flaunting that I am married, but because it is how I truly you feel and for the neigh sayers that say this kind of love doesn't exist...I can say it does.
Anywho my amazing husband has made some amazing meal that I must go and do some serious damage to.
Toodles.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Having a serious case of the "not enoughs"
I am in serious need of a pep talk and a slap.
So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry. The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.
Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits. I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two. My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not. I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails. I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders. In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER! I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".
There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose" yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey. I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why?? I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit? It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it? I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me. I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.
I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough". I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn. I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage? WHAT?? Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it. Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that? I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.
This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough. I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.
When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie. I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT! I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent. This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"
I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me. I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap" but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?
I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house. I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder. I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control. I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG" Why is that? Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?
I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen. I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life. Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great? Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar? The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own. I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally. I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.
So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry. The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.
Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits. I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two. My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not. I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails. I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders. In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER! I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".
There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose" yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey. I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why?? I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit? It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it? I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me. I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.
I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough". I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn. I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage? WHAT?? Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it. Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that? I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.
This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough. I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.
When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie. I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT! I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent. This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"
I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me. I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap" but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?
I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house. I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder. I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control. I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG" Why is that? Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?
I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen. I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life. Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great? Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar? The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own. I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally. I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
I would be a Dometic Goddess if I had the time!
I have about an hour and a half each week to get all my housecleaning done. Which to me is nothing, an hour and a half is getting all the towels in the airing cupboard to be in a neat tidy order, by size, and color and then I need that 30 secs to sit back and admire my work. I love things to be clean and tidy and clutter unsettles me immensly, I can't say I LOVE to clean but I do like things to be clean and tidy so for things to be that way I have to clean. However I work 7 days a week, just around the 60hr a week mark, so it doesn't leave a lot of time for me to be a domestic goddess which drives me a little bit batty. I intend to change this when I become a farmers wife, for now the butchers wife will have to accept that she will have to settle for a quick wipe of the tub and the sink and that I simply just don't have the time to get out my old toothbrushes and scrub the taps and tiles clean.
Speaking of cleaning my favorite task and the task I always seem to be knee deep in 24/7 is laundry. Doing your laundry in the UK is a whole world away from laundry in the US...the UK seem to have an aversion to tumble dryers, while in the US we don't exaclty know how clothes get dry without them. I am still getting used to this after 5 years, we have a tumble dryer here at Sharpe estates but to use it requires a presentation to the Fonster-in-law, once that is approved you get a time limit to use it because "I am not blooming paying the earth for your clothing to dry" hmmph, and then you have to show him everything you put in the tumble dryer so he can approve the worthiness of the item to be dried. In the summer laundry is quite easy, that is if it doesn't rain (rain in Britian NEVER) because I just pop it on the clothes line and because we live so close to the sea there is a always a breeze. However in the winter laundry becomes a whole other kettle of fish, washing it is fine, drying it....that could take months. So once it is dry (which it never really is, God knows how I haven't gotten rotten crotch in the time I have been here), then comes the hours of ironing it. Ironing MUST be done because you don't have the heat from the tumble dryer to get all those wrinkles out. I have the added privilegde to be married to a butcher who wears heavy linen lab coats that require all my body weight on the iron to make it look slightly less wrinkled, so again if I had the time I would so rock that laundry in an afternoon (of course if the Fonster-in-Law is out and I can air the smell of clean laundry out the back door)
Have I completely bored you yet?
Ok apart from working all hours God sends, and trying to keep my house from looking like a hoarder lives here (honestly I don't know how those of you with children manage to have spotless homes, my hats off to you), I am also on a weight loss journey. Yes you heard me right, I have been on one for about a year now. I have managed to lose around 70lbs, but since June my weight loss has all but stopped, and since Christmas I have put on 10.5lbs (there I said it). I can tell you that in the beginning the weight loss was fab (I am using a program called Slimming World, kinda like Weight Watchers with the meetings and stuff but you are able to eat much more), but ever since I lost the first 50 my body isn't happy. For those of you that know me, know that I have been big all my life, I don't know why I eat so much I guess I just like it. However I don't want to be so big anymore, the people of the UK never forget to remind how big I am everyday so it is time to slim that ass down. My problem is I have lost my way, after Thursday's weigh in I sooooo want to jack it in. 3 more pounds on and I have been super good at eating, so to say I wanted to run out of the building in true Diva style is an understatment. I am torn between just quitting and really giving it a good go, and finding the time (maybe I can survive on 3 hrs of sleep a week) to get my ass up off the couch and go for a walk, or a strolll, or maybe I should just sit on the couch and try to melt my brain with another episode of Teen Mom. If I jack it in, I get to each shit again and gain all my weight back, if I decide to give it another honest go I might start losing again and become the super model size 16 I have always wanted to be.....the verdict is still out I have 3 fab weeks of celebrating to look forward to, maybe I will try hard in March.
My effort to become a farmers wife is in the research stages right now, well if you can call it that. Roy gets me all sorts of books out of the library so I can learn all about becoming the perfect chicken raiser, or the perfect gardener, or the perfect all around farm wife, but the time I get to look at these books is right before I hit the hay (see what I did there) and I usually end up falling asleep or smacking myself in the face with these books having not read a single word whilst falling asleep, so my research isn't going that great.
Anyway I will persevere and maybe I will do what I normally do and just jump in with both feet and learn along the way..ha ha!
Speaking of cleaning my favorite task and the task I always seem to be knee deep in 24/7 is laundry. Doing your laundry in the UK is a whole world away from laundry in the US...the UK seem to have an aversion to tumble dryers, while in the US we don't exaclty know how clothes get dry without them. I am still getting used to this after 5 years, we have a tumble dryer here at Sharpe estates but to use it requires a presentation to the Fonster-in-law, once that is approved you get a time limit to use it because "I am not blooming paying the earth for your clothing to dry" hmmph, and then you have to show him everything you put in the tumble dryer so he can approve the worthiness of the item to be dried. In the summer laundry is quite easy, that is if it doesn't rain (rain in Britian NEVER) because I just pop it on the clothes line and because we live so close to the sea there is a always a breeze. However in the winter laundry becomes a whole other kettle of fish, washing it is fine, drying it....that could take months. So once it is dry (which it never really is, God knows how I haven't gotten rotten crotch in the time I have been here), then comes the hours of ironing it. Ironing MUST be done because you don't have the heat from the tumble dryer to get all those wrinkles out. I have the added privilegde to be married to a butcher who wears heavy linen lab coats that require all my body weight on the iron to make it look slightly less wrinkled, so again if I had the time I would so rock that laundry in an afternoon (of course if the Fonster-in-Law is out and I can air the smell of clean laundry out the back door)
Have I completely bored you yet?
Ok apart from working all hours God sends, and trying to keep my house from looking like a hoarder lives here (honestly I don't know how those of you with children manage to have spotless homes, my hats off to you), I am also on a weight loss journey. Yes you heard me right, I have been on one for about a year now. I have managed to lose around 70lbs, but since June my weight loss has all but stopped, and since Christmas I have put on 10.5lbs (there I said it). I can tell you that in the beginning the weight loss was fab (I am using a program called Slimming World, kinda like Weight Watchers with the meetings and stuff but you are able to eat much more), but ever since I lost the first 50 my body isn't happy. For those of you that know me, know that I have been big all my life, I don't know why I eat so much I guess I just like it. However I don't want to be so big anymore, the people of the UK never forget to remind how big I am everyday so it is time to slim that ass down. My problem is I have lost my way, after Thursday's weigh in I sooooo want to jack it in. 3 more pounds on and I have been super good at eating, so to say I wanted to run out of the building in true Diva style is an understatment. I am torn between just quitting and really giving it a good go, and finding the time (maybe I can survive on 3 hrs of sleep a week) to get my ass up off the couch and go for a walk, or a strolll, or maybe I should just sit on the couch and try to melt my brain with another episode of Teen Mom. If I jack it in, I get to each shit again and gain all my weight back, if I decide to give it another honest go I might start losing again and become the super model size 16 I have always wanted to be.....the verdict is still out I have 3 fab weeks of celebrating to look forward to, maybe I will try hard in March.
My effort to become a farmers wife is in the research stages right now, well if you can call it that. Roy gets me all sorts of books out of the library so I can learn all about becoming the perfect chicken raiser, or the perfect gardener, or the perfect all around farm wife, but the time I get to look at these books is right before I hit the hay (see what I did there) and I usually end up falling asleep or smacking myself in the face with these books having not read a single word whilst falling asleep, so my research isn't going that great.
Anyway I will persevere and maybe I will do what I normally do and just jump in with both feet and learn along the way..ha ha!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)