Having a serious case of the "not enoughs"

I am in serious need of a pep talk and a slap.

So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry.  The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.

Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits.  I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two.  My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not.  I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails.  I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders.  In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER!  I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".

There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose"  yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey.  I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why??  I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit?  It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it?  I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me.  I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.

I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough".  I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn.  I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage?  WHAT??  Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it.  Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that?     I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.

This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough.  I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.  

When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie.  I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT!  I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent.  This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I  (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"

 I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me.  I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap"   but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?

I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house.  I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder.  I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control.  I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG"  Why is that?  Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?

I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen.  I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life.  Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great?  Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar?  The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own.  I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally.  I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.