My Facebook Rant!!

Please note before you read this and un-friend me, or text me nasty things....this wasn't directed at any one person, it is my personal opinion and I that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Ok here goes...I have been struggling a lot lately (and I don't mean struggling as in missing meals, and screaming "Whhhhhhhhhyyy" in the shower)  with my annoyance with Facebook, my question is can you be friends in real life but not on Facebook.   I have unfriended a few people on Facebook in the last few months that I still feel like we are friends in real-life.  I have exercised my right to unfriend for a few reasons, either your profuse use of swearing, my inability to literally understand what you are trying to say (sometimes just looks like random words you typed into your status), people posting nothing but song lyrics and inspirational messages, and finally dead baby pictures.  So let's address the last issue...

I can only apoligize to those people who have lost children, I know this doesn't mean much coming from someone who is a self-proclaimed unliker of children.  I am truly sorry that you went through that traumatic event, on the other hand haven't we all known tragedy?  I know that I won't have Dillinger, Capone, Roy, or my parents forever, in saying that, when they pass, I will not be posting pictures of their dead bodies in different positions and in different clothing for everyone to share in my grief with me EVERY DAY OF OUR BLEEDING LIVES!  I hate to say it but this isn't an isolated incident, I have seen this scenario of dead baby picture posting from loads of different ladies.  I can not post something humrous back to your humorous status while staring at the picture of your dead child/children.  PLEASE STOP POSTING THEM!  Again I am sorry for your loss, but honestly those pictures (in my opinion) are best displayed in a closed photo album.

Another thing that makes me shake my head in disbelievement is when people post pictures, statuses, etc...about how drunk they were...and then call off to work the next day for a toe infection, brain hemorrage, etc or the victim of said mysterious illness that is sooo sick that they can't come to work and sit in a chair and push buttons all day...posts pictures of themselves looking healthy and duck faced while they are not at work... HONESTLY  I didn't think there was such a lack of common sense here.  Honestly if I feel the need to not go to work...I am usually so sick that picking up the phone is an effort let alone take a "sexy" pose of myself looking relatively not illl.  Believe me if I dared take a pic of myself and post it while being ill.....you would be ill yourself...it isn't pretty and not something I want to share with my husband let alone Facebook land.    You know just saying.

Finally please, I know you might being having a rough patch in life, but the constant obsessing and asking God "Why?" on Facebook for the last 6 months is getting old.  I might have been guilty of this so I know this is completly hypocrtical....but I like to think I built a bridge and got over it.  I can only say that it is time to get over the boyfriend,girlfriend that wronged you, your animal that has passed, the grandma that has died. the kids you don't like....and quit posting the song lyrics to "Wind Beneath my Wings"....

What I did like was when the elections were raging over here and the fab stuff people were posting, either for or against my choice, it proves we aren't all the same and we all have our own opionion still.  I hate my addiction to FB, but I do love the connection it gives us all to each other...sometimes though people abuse that connection...it all makes the world turn.

God Bless

I only blog when I am in a mood.

I am in a mood, in a funk....mad at myself, mad at the world and just mad in both the crazy and angry sense.  I have no one to blame for this mood but myself, although Mom and the husband get shut out just the same because I resort to the silent treatment when I am in a mood.  I have inherited the utilization of the silent treatment from my father and I don't mean to brag...but I am DAYUM good at it.  The silent treatment allows me to think everything from worst case scenario (melt down of the earth) to the "it will be ok" scenario...and I get annoyed when people want me to interact with them when I am in the "silent treatment mode".  What has me in this state....to be honest...well I am not sure, I mean there is stuff I am dealing with in my life , but really aren't we all?  I think the thing that is bothering me the most is I am seeking normalcy in my life...something that was normal 10 years ago and is normal now....something that I can still claim as my own..my go to thing...but I don't have that.  I miss my old normal life.  I miss feeling comfortable in my skin...I miss having a permanent address and a routine.  I gave all this up when I moved away and got  married and I never really got this back.  This "life on hold thing" has been going on since 2005!!  6 long years of life being on hold is wearing me down, however now that I am only months away from finally settling down and getting some sense of normalcy back I am longing and yearning for it...and it is frustrating me that I can not have it RIGHT NOW...and now it might be put back even further due to finances  (I know)!

UGH UGH  COME ON ALREADY!!  It is time to settle down and live on my own with my husband and animals and get my own things and and be in my own space without other peoples things and mess about..if it is our mess I can clean it up...or throw it away..not just put up with it because it is other peoples things and I won't be in THEIR house...I will be in MY HOUSE..and if I wanted to strut around butt nekkid and fart I could because I am paying the bills and if the table was loaded up with crap and bills and empty boxes and junk bought at the dollar store or the "Seen it on TV' aisle I could take my arm and swipe all that junk in the garbage....because it would be mine and I HATE CLUTTER!  If the fridge was a mess (which it wouldn't be cause I am a bit of a neat freak) it wouldn't  matter cause it would be my mess....I think you get the point here and where I am going with this.
 I am hoping that once things settle down at home maybe I can finally get more comfortable at work...maybe...or maybe in the end I will have enough confidence in my abilities and  do something that makes me insanely happy, that I rock at, and that will pay be a handsome fee...or maybe I will love my job so much that I rock that and they promote me to CEO.  Or just maybe I will stop soothing myself with junk food and I will shut the computer/tv off and get off my fat ass and go get healthy....who knows.

Please dont' read this as I am not happy or that I don't feel blessed because I do...I know that everyday I have a safe warm place to lay my head down each night....I also know that I have enough food to see me through till next year and that I don't have the most amazing friends, family and above all God that  will always have my back...but sometimes...you know things just get to you.

I am back

I am back to blogging after a bit of a forced break, our laptop that we brought from the UK died about 3 weeks ago, we had it to the computer Dr, who tried everything to bring it back to life but to no avail.  My feeling is that we used the adaptor from the UK a bit longer then we should have and it fried the mother board,but hey ho it happens.  I am now writing to you from our new netbook, which is ok.  I am not much of a techy and my buyers remorse goes into overload when I go to places like Best Buy or even the techy section of Wal-mart.  However racing home to get to the library one night a week to monitor bank accounts and bill payments and Skype with all my buddies in two countries isn't ideal, so off we went to Best Buy on Saturday and I whipped around (literally jogged) around the laptop section and ruled out anything above the $400 range (I know the geek squad out there is head slapping at the moment and screaming WHYYYYY you can't put a price on 3,00,000, megs of ram, or some techy crap like that).  We had it narrowed down between 3 netbooks (cause they were the cheapest) that we liked and headed off to Staples to compare prices...when walking into Staples I got my hopes up because they were having a technology clearence.....CLEARENCE MY BACKSIDE...I don't know what they were originally priced at but they had nothing under $700.  I walked out Staples yelling "YO MOMMA" and strutting back to Best Buy.  Where we purchased the netbook I am on and an external cd drive...and that is that..you thoroughly bored yet?  I sure am.

So I finally got to get back to becoming a future farmers wife, well as close I can get living in-town.  Saturday I started my laudry ritual, cleaned the kitchen, and was contemplating mowing the grass (hopefully for the last time this year),but I didn't want to wake my Mom up (she works nights).  So just as I sat down to figure out something to do with my Saturday (hubby works every weekend so I have my weekends to myself, which is bitter sweet).  Just as I was sitting down with my coffee Mom got up and took her dog to the groomers, I ran out to the shed, hopped on the John Deere,it took a bit to fire it up but I got it there, and started cutting the grass.  Mowing is one of my favorite things to do, I always think about things, dream about my own grass that I hope to be cutting in the near future, and I always set myself a side project for when I am done mowing the grass, like weeding the front beds or tidying up the dog grave that we have near the pool.  I was contemplating taking on this part of the yard we call the jungle, my Mom's house (don't judge, yes I live with my Mom at the moment) sits on an old greenhouse/garden center site.  Her pool house is the furnace room of one of the green houses and there is 2 other buildings.  Between the pool house and another random building that,  to be honest I couldn't tell you what it has in anymore, there is a patch of ground that has become overgrown and jungle like...we usually throw the dead animals that find their way into the pool in there, and the dogs like to explore in the jungle..and in the summer it has plenty of wonderful poison ivy to ruin your summer.  Well, just as I was getting the brill idea of going in there on my own and hacking down the trees and digging up the roots and basically getting in there and making it something a bit more functional the landscaping guy I had asked to hack it down showed up.  Which made me yell "YEAH!!" a bit too loud (I was yelling over the sound of the lawn mower and "Big Girls" by Mika pounding in my ears).  So the jungle has mostly been hacked down..I am hoping he comes back to finish the job (as I don't think it looks done), however if he doesn't it is now to a point where I could probably tackle it myself.  While the landscaping guy was hacking the jungle down, I weeded out the left side of the front beds and the sides and half of the center front bed.  I went into the house to make sure the dog weren't killing each other or using the house as their toilet (not my angels), thankfully they weren't doing either, they were sunning themselves in the sun spots on the carpet.  I thought it was only about 11.30a at that point but I was having so much fun being a green thumb that it was actually 1.40p and I had to meet Roy at 2.30p and I had some other errands to run in between...eeek.  All this outside work really inspires me and makes me want my own place so much more.  I can not wait until I have animals to feed and gardens of my own to weed.  However that makes me think of all the things I have to buy to keep my grounds looking fab, and that makes me hyperventilate a little.

The house hunt continues for us, we have found a few more houses that look really interesting, however as it gets closer to calling the mortgage advisor I am starting to feel like they are gonna laugh me outta the building.  We don't have that much of a down payment and we have only been in the US for about 5 months and we have been working here even less, however they told us to get Roy a credit card and call them when we get the 3rd bill paid...it can't be that easy surely.  I am trying not to doubt, and I am trying to be positive but it does get hard thinking of all the things we need to get  to just live in anything bigger then a tent.

Work has been going a bit better, however I still feel like I am getting fired every five seconds and I feel more like I am pretending rather than informing people (as is part of my job) when I am completing my work day.

I still feel really blessed to be living this life, and I feel that I am finding my spirituality and my way back to God...I think he is bringng a lot of attention to things in my life that I need to change...sometimes I make an effort to change those things and sometimes I get swept up into the world, either way his patient love chips aways at me.

Interesting reading.

So I just figured out how to see how people are finding my blog online...and wow the results are a tad scary like someone found me by googling "sex in farmers" and another came via stopa cheater.com....must keep my eye on my stats a bit closer, if only for sheer entertainment.

So what has been going on with me?  Not a whole lot to be honest, well not a whole lot that I am wanting to share with the individuals looking at my blog by googling "sex in farmers". Our housing sitch remains the same, living with Mom and saving for a house, we have found loads of houses we would buy tomorrow but we are waiting and doing this the right way so Roy and I both can be  brought down financially should we fail at homeownership.  It looks like we only have about another 2 months to wait and then the ball can roll forward again.

Work is terrifying, I can't say a whole lot on the subject.  I am just really finding it difficult to enter in a system the times I get up to go pee, it just happens, I drink a lot and in turn that produces urine, which for the comfort of my co-workers and for myself I would like to go relieve myself in the bathroom...well I can go to the bathroom, I just have to let big brother know.  I am also struggling with only 1/2 hour lunches, I feel like I run down to the cafeteria throw the food at my face and whatever gets in my mouth is my lunch for the day before I have to return back to my desk.  PLEASE don't read this as my ungratefullness of having a job, I am just finding it hard to get used to.  I also feel like I am in one of those naked dreams, where I am running around in a constant state of paranoia and others are just plodding on without a care in the world....I feel like I have to stop people and say "hey I am freaking out...why aren't you?"...you know like in the naked dream where you have to tell people you are naked.  I know I will probably get used to it and all that good stuff but 6 weeks of being afraid that I will get zapped by big brother watching me makes me really tired when I get home, and OH SOOO thankful for the furry babies that just want me for walking/ball throwing/feeding/snuggling duties.

Roy and I celebrate 6 years of wedded bliss tomorrow, which makes today the day of dread.  I am handeling year 6 a lot differently then I have handeled previous years.  I actually cried today, not just reminiced and was sad, but cried like a unstoppable sob cry (of course when no one was looking), I would like to say that I am strong and I hide this from Roy, but I am not that girl, I am sad and he needs to know that I am there with him in his sadness.  I miss his mother, I didn't know her long but she was MAGICAL...I can't even describe it.  She just had a way about her that I haven't seen in anyone since, and I know some BRILLIANT people.  I miss her today, I was angry with her for at least 3 years...but today I miss her.  I wonder if she would be proud of us for how our marriage has lasted and been strong.  I wonder if she would be bitter about us moving or if she would have encouraged us to go get the things we want out of life.  Roy thinks she would have kicked us out of the house sooner, not in the get-out-of-my-house-spongers kind of way but more of a ...it is time for the birdies to fly and get out of the nest type of way...which I would have appreciated.

I think my sadness is also linked to me missing my UK life, I miss my friends and my old job (as stressful as it was).  I miss the simplicity of life there.  However I do not miss a lot of things about it there either, I don't miss the feral children, and paying for fricking everything, the lack of community spirit and the HUUUUUGGGGEEE gap between the classes.  I would move back I think, although Roy says no and he is finally happy where we are...he is right...when I lived there I wanted to be here and when I am here I want to be there...it is a cross I will have to carry.

Anywho, I am off to eat my salad and maybe fold some laundry...then it is a financial pow-wow to figure out how I am gonna be a farmers wife.

Getting back to the basics.

The blogging has fallen by the waysid=\ze I know, I am just settling into working life again, and trying to get a rythm with my schedule, Roy's schedule and my furry babies schedules.  I am enjoying each step along the way.  I  have so much to write about but I know by the time I have written this I won't even of discussed half of it, but here goes.

So work is going well, I had worried about being just a number in the huge corporation in which I work for, and I guess to some deparments I am, but I have managed to find a core group of ladies that I am having a great time getting to know.   The work is challening and interesting and I am enjoying the learning process (kinda) but at the same time I am VERY nervous about the time when training is over and I am let loose to do the job I will have trained for 4 weeks to do.  My trainer and work friends say that I am going to do fine, but I am just not the confident, I know eventually I will get there and it will all be old hat and familiar but I am nervous for the time that it will be new, scary, and I will annoy my supervisor with my billion questions.

I have signed up with my Mom to teach 5th and 6th grade Sunday school.  The clip board has been passed around church a few times asking for volunteers, and it has weighed on my heart to get more involved in making our church a success.  I talked to Mom about it because I am a little worried that these 5th and 6th graders won't learn from me or that they will see right through my facade because my big sercret is that they prob do know more then me and we will be learning together.   Mom said she would help and we would do teach and it wouldn't be such a burden,  I just hope I do a good job. I start in December so have till then to get myself prepared.

Hmm what else....I am trying to get myself back to losing weight...I know I know broken record and all, but I am taking it in slow steps.  I am just trying to be more conscious about what I am putting in my body and trying to make better decisions, but I do need those times when I can just eat some pizza.  Taking the dogs out all the time, and going different places with them, and letting them run their pent up energy out has also afforded me the luxury of allowing me to get some exercise in and enjoying it.  I don't want to scarifice time with my "family" to go to a gym and do something I hate, when I can come home and be with the people/dogs I love most in my life and get all of us out and moving.

Now back to the good stuff, Roy and I have started to look for a house, if the mortgage advisor has given us correct information Roy and I have only 3 months to wait until we are pre-approved for a mortgage.  I know where I want to be in terms of price wise, but until we get that official piece of paperwork we are drawing up a list of the things we want in a house/property.  Although I would love to, I think that building is out of our budget, so we are looking for an established home (I think).  We have been scouring the internet for what is on the market at the moment and have driven by and up to a few houses, last Sunday we actually drove up to a property that is high on our list and the owner was so kind and showed us around.  I am excited about being this close to being a homeowner and also frustrated that I am not already a homeowner.  Roy and I have been going into local consignment shops, thrift stores, antique furniture, flea markets, yard sales, and local boutiques to see what is out there in terms of furnishing our house.  I am THOROUGHLY enjoying this process, it is true what they say one mans junk is another mans treasure (it might just need a little spray paint...HA HA).  We have also been taking "research trips" to Lowes and Home Depot, which Roy and I very much enjoy and thankfully we are both pretty much on the same wave length in terms of what we like, we can pretty much find a happy medium when doing out fantasy house stuff shopping.

Well I am off out with my sexy hubby to take our furry babies on a hike!

God Bless all who read this.

Kristen

Can this all be really happening to little old me?

I have been blessed, I look around at my life now and can't believe I am here at this point in my life, one of the happiest points I can remember in a long time. I have almost everything I want in life, and I DEF have everything I need and this is a great place to be.  Yes everything isn't perfect but those things seem insignificant or acheieveable in the near future and I am satisfied with that today.  I have a husband that loves that socks off of me, a great family that I am just getting to know and am becoming very close to, I have two great furry babies, a church that makes me excited to get up on Sunday mornings just to hear what God has in store for me and I could go on and on.  I have been blessed beyond measure since we have moved back to the US which makes me believe that this is exactly where we are supposed to be.

To top off the blessings in my life, the best one so far is that after a 6 year silence between my brother and I he has finally forgiven me for a hurtful comment I made and we are slowly putting our relationship back on track, which alone in itself removes a major hurt from my heart.  Speaking of family, my Mom's long lost (but known about) brother and his wife are playing a major role in my life now and I couldn't be more happy.  I finally have an extended family that A. Doesn't hate me for moving out of the US and B. Loves me and my mother and the rest of our family UNCONDITIONALLY.   It's a great feeling and I hope that all of you out there in internet land that is reading this right now will someday, or already have, experienced this sort of love.

I am starting work on Aug 20th which means we can finally start to put away some serious money for our house down payment.  I am excited to start on this journey, I have an estate agent sending me info on mortgages, FHA loans and all the goodies that come with homeownership.  I CAN NOT wait to own my own home, I have some specifics that I want in a house that I am not willing to compromise on but these are few and I am pretty open minded about what we get.  I have to be open minded about what we get because our budget is rather limited, I would love to buy a fixer upper but neither Roy or I know how to fixer upper much of anything. I think we can handle painting and stuff of that nature but anything beyond that is a mystery and expensive.  All that being told I still excited to enter into this lifelong relationship with the bank and get into my own house where I can strut around nekkid if I so felt that need to do so.

The dogs are doing great, Capone is growing up and testing everything that he can reach, most of all my patience and the taste of the mulch outside.  Dillinger is tolerating Capone but does have to remind him that NO he would not a like a french kiss, but they are finding their place in the house.  We had to take Capone to the vet the other day because he had picked up a virus or ate something that didn't agree with him.  However with some tender loving care from our fab Vet and my credit card he is back to his old self.

Roy is doing really well to, he is enjoying his job at Weis as a butcher and I think secretly likes all the attention his accent brings him, though he would never admit that.  Roy is enjoying being the bread winner and I am enjoying being the happy housewife, for the moment. 

I don't have a whole lot to report on this front apart from my happiness and the continued blessings in my life.  Look at me I wrote a completely positive blog...

It's all happening now.

Well...I finally have a lot of good news to report.
1. Roy has a job
2. I have a job
3.We have a new puppy.
4. We have a new truck (well new to us)

Yep yep it is all happening here.  I am loving it and am trying my best to suppress the feeling of waiting for something to go wrong, to be honest, I feel blessed and I know these things are all gifts from God.  So I am rolling with it.

So the details on the jobs; Roy is working as a butcher for Weis Markets we dont' know if he is going to be traveling or working full time in one store, he finds out the nitty gritty tomorrow!  I am going to start working for an insurance consultancy company, basically the jist is that I am going to be reviewing insurance policies and trying to correct clerical errors and either approve the claim of re-instate the denial.

We finally have a vehicle of our own, Roy found a Ford F-150 on the internet, we went to have a look at it and ended up buying it then and there.  This car is fab and I feel like I am living a dream when we ride in it, I feel like it is almost too fancy for me.  The same dealer we bought the truck from is looking for a Ford Edge for me in black or gun metal grey, I am hoping to have that by the end of this week.  So yeah, WOW and EEEEK...my buyers remorse is in over drive.

The puppy is kind of an added surprise, basically I was coming back from cleaning at the farm/retreat/campground that I have been working at this summer and I almost hit him as he was in the middle of the road.  I scooped him up and tried to re-unite him with his Momma and his black brother or sister but they weren't having any of that, and yes I could have put him down and he might have run off into the sunset with Momma and brother/sister but I couldn't face the fact that more than likely he was gonna get hit by a car...so I brought him home.  I posted on Facebook that I found him, where I found him, and his pic...I haven't heard a peep...and wouldn't you know it I  fell in love with him.  So we have decided that we are gonna name him Capone Highway Sharpe and he is ours until his owners step forward (which looks pretty unlikely, judging from the neighbors in the area I found him.)

So basically I have been busy cleaning and puppy watching, swimming and being blessed.

I do have to say one thing, just to balance out all this positivity....It seems that every life decision you make there is always someone around to point out the risks and possible failures associated with it....a few examples are when we bought the truck we were told the dealer we bought it from was crap and have been repeatly told how much gas they eat, and billion other reasons not to by this car....we did weigh up these things before we bought and trust me I know exactly what we were getting into....but thanks for making us feel good about our decision.

I also love how much people are telling me how hard it is to raise a puppy...did you miss the 10 year old mini schnauzer we have?  He was a puppy too and I did just fine raising him...again I know the risks but thanks for pooing on my parade.

Finally the thing that really takes the cake is when we tell people we are house hunting and the response is "a house is so expensive, are you ready for the financial responsibility?"  OHHH  thank you I didn't know a house costs a shite load of money...I thought they were paid for with fairy dust and belly button lint....YES I KNOW THEY ARE EXPENSIVE!  I know these people mean well, or maybe are just jealous, but it is bloody annoying.  I am 31 I do know a little bit about the "real world" now (not refering to the MTV show). 

After experienceing all this negativity and judgement it makes me realize 2 things:

1. I defininitly want to have my womb removed, because if  I get this much judgement just deciding what to drive or what pet to have, then being a parent is like being on death row, and I don't like small spaces with a toilet out in the open. My hats off to those of you that have chosen parenthood, and can face that sort of judgment without punching people in the face on an hourly basis

2. If someone tells me about somethingthey are about to buy or take on that involves significant amounts of money or time, I will not pick them apart.  I will rather encourage and support them because they are probably crapping their pants about their decision and do not need to hear what "could" go wrong.

Thank you and good night!

A little bit of the slime is wiped away

I thought I better get in here and blog today as I am feeling slightly better then I have been in the last two weeks. I don't feel like the world is collapsing in on me and that I am a stranger in a strange land so much today.  I don't know if it is all the sunshine or the 2 McGriddles I ate this morning...either way I am going with it.

The last time we left off I think I was having another sleepless night where all I do is worry, fret and generally think of myself as a failure.  I did go to that interivew I talked about and I didn't feel as zombie like as I thought I would, however I did get lost and ended up showing up 30 mins late.  They still let me interview but followed it up with a "you suck, you were late" letter...I deserved it.

Afterwards Roy got an invite to go down to Allentown to interview at a poshy posh supermarket as a butcher, we went he did great and they invited him back for a second interview where they would see just how great he is with the steel and then settle out of the final salary and benefits. So that Friday we were supposed to get down to Allentown I woke up SO SICK, at the time I didn't know if it was nerves about possibly moving 2.5 hours east of where I wanted to live, but a job is a job and we both need one each.  Anywho I puked my guts out, and puked some more, and puked until I thought my stomach would turn inside out...and then it started at the other end...oh yes folks this was full blown stomach flu.  I told Roy that I would still go to the interview with him we just might need to stop a lot!  However he said "No Way" and we stayed home...I got over it pretty much in 24 hours although the two days after the initial day I was still a bit shaky and stayed away from eating...mostly anything apart from Saltines (my English Roses, think Jacobs cream crackers).  Then on Saturday night Roy started puking and pooing..not great, he took a little bit longer to get over it but he eventually did get over the stomach flu. 

Remember the last time we spoke and I said about "bug bites" yeah substitute the words "bug bites" for "the worst poison ivy rash that ever existed".  I somehow, probably helping to weed the yard, touched or came into contact with poison ivy.  I have lived in the USA for 25 years before I departed for her majesty's shores and never EVER got this terrible rash...well in my 31st year I had my dues paid right back....this is terrible and can look like this

Thankfully mine didn't look this bad mine looked more like this

and no that isn't actually my leg/arm/extremity.  But I can say it itched really really really bad, like keep you awake at night, want to rip your skin off and douse it in bleach.  Which funnily enough is the way to get rid of it, or at least it was for me.  I tried everything but nothing worked for me apart from hot scalding showers (when you have poison ivy rash this feels like 1,000 orgasms...ohhh ahh) and after the hottest shower ever I wiped down with bleach...dried it up in almost a week and now I am down to one hot scalder a day and I can sorta sleep at night (when I am not worrying or fretting...which hasn't exactly happened yet).

So anyway after battling through the stomach flu, poison ivy rash, and the constant threat of depression...Dillinger decided to throw his hat into the ring and start limping  THANK YOU!  However it wasn't too bad I called this morning at 8am and he had an appt at 9.20am, and WOW were the staff and Vet a nice bunch and it only cost $12.75 to get his little foot back and running, he had a little bit of a toe nail issue that was easily fixed with a toe nail trim.  If you have ever heard me talk about Dill you know that he has major feet issues and won't even let me close to him when he needs anything done with this feet, so I needed to call in the professionals.

Also during the last two weeks Roy and I have been lending a hand at church for  vaction bible school (VBS)  if you aren't familiar basically it is 2 weeks of a program where all the kids in the church (and their friends) come to our church and do arts and crafts, have snacks and learn about Jesus.  It has been great to have a purpose, a place to go where people depend on you...even if it is to take attendence and paint some wooden boxes or hand out the snack.    Some of the kids were really cute but I left every night still thanking the good Lord that I didn't have any brats to take home (much to my mothers dismay).  Last night was the final night for VBS and I have to say that I am a little sad to not be going anymore.  I will miss it, and I will have to find something to do during my evenings now.

As for us, we are still looking for jobs, I am applying for everything that I "think" I can do.  I have given up on applying for the fun stuff, because someone else always gets that job not me.  I have also found out that I am terrified of not being able to do a tough job, so I have been applying for the stuff I know I can do with my eyes closed.  Hello my name is Kristen and I have no confidence (Hello Kristen).    Roy is also applying and is slowly losing the will to live, but in true knight-in-shining-armor he encourages me everyday and tries to keep the faith that things will work out. 

Roy finally got ahold of Alan the other day and had a good long chat with him..he is doing ok and keeping busy.

In keeping with my good mood I thought I would just say that I am thankful for everyone telling us that things will work out, that God has a good plans for us, and for just praying for us.  I also want to thank the Hassinger family who keep giving us some work here and there, which helps to keep the wolves from the door and food on the table and I am eternally grateful.  Also thanks to Sally for the pep talks and the constant support and to Ike and Ashley for keeping the "British Butcher" in mind, I know that Roy values that as well.  Also thank you to our church family who keep encouraging us and praying for us there is too many to mention and I don't want to offend anyone if I forget to mention you here.  A final and huge thanks goes to Mom, we havent yet fought and you are always a source of laughter, common sense and encouragement...thanks for helping with Dad and being the buffer between me and family memebers who are not my biggest fan.

Well off to go do something productive.

My 2.21am, freaking out, can't sleep, oh-my-goodness-what-have-I-done-blog!

It's 2.23am here in the good old US of A and I can't sleep.  I have an interview tomorrow, and I am supposed to be fresh and professional, and I want to be fresh and professional...but I just can not stop worrying and freaking out and thinking I have made the worst mistake moving here.  I left a job that I loved and by all accounts (from what I heard from the glowing comments, emails, and subsequent Faccebook comments from all my now former co-workers) I was pretty friggin good at.  Roy left a job that he was beginning to really take flight in, however he didn't "technically" have a job after May 19th, but I am sure something would have worked out there. 

Did we move to soon? We only had about 3 more years of me working 7 days a week and Roy working when he could find a steady placement until we were debt free.  My 2.27am brain is convinced that we might have been too hasty in our upping sticks and moving the farm here.  I am also convinced I am being severely attacked by the dark side of life.  I feel like there isn't a job out there for me.  I have been looking and applying and looking and applying and nothing is a solid "Oh heck yeah,' I would love to do that", and I am TERRIFIED of getting into a job I HATE and getting stuck.  I have this heartburn growing in my chest because I don't know what is out there for us, and I don't feel like a contributing member of society because I am not contributing financially to that society...it all makes me very teary.

I didn't picture at 31 that I would be still living at home with a parent, married, covered in bug bites, crying, unable to sleep with this little thing as my 2.32am companion.

  

I also didn't know I was gonna visit my only 60 year old father in a nursing home, and not have a thing of value to my name apart from my dog, and my wedding rings.  It is a lot to take in and a lot to deal with and I thought I had this game on lock!  I guess I don't and now it is coming out in a can't sleep, major life re-thinking, what-the-h-am-I-gonna-do-now, freak out.

To be honest I don't have much option here, I can't move back to the UK, we dont' have the money for that and we don't have jobs there either, and who knows if Alan would even let us move back in.  I have to stay here and maybe start applying to "Would you like fries with that" academy., but my inner job snobbiness won't let me..but I have to suck up my pride once again and go and get the necessary done..*wretch*

I pretty sure what brought this freak out on is all the "you suck, we don't want you" letters that I am  getting coupled with an interview tomorrow, that to be honest, when I applied I thought they would NEVER call me...but of course they did.  I am so waiting for them to laugh me out of the interview tomorrow, and I just feel this pressure, not from anyone else but from myself, that I need to excel and be the 31 year old professional, home owner that I so desperately want to be.

Today we looked at campers thinking we would buy one and just live in that, which to honest the campers (caravans) over here are amazing, not the Mom and Pop pop up campers I grew up in...no siree bob.  However now that we are jobless losers, we go to car dealers and camping centers, and troll through real estate websites and say "well we would love to purchase, rent, buy, your product however we don't have jobs and we still live at home"....also try getting a bank account here when you only have green card and a passport and no other form of "US issued photo ID"...just go ahead and try...you can't do it!  We are social pariah's we are the "foreigners", sometimes I look at people and almost wonder if they are saying "Well you did this to yourself Kristen, you deserted the homeland 5 years ago, don't expect us to welcome you back with open arms now"...ugh my 2.44am brain is a stinker isn't it?

Well I don't have a positive note to end on, in fact I think that my "I will blog and get this all out, and feel much better" blog is a total failure, and has only made my want to eat all the junk food in the house (but I won't because all the chocolate and sugary, salty junk food belongs to my wonderful mother because I decided I needed to get back on SW to stop being so fat so I wouldn't get depressed) and I don't think a nice healthy apple would hit the spot...maybe a touch of trash tv will whisk me off and the sandman will appear...but what will prob happen is I will turn the TV on, Roy will come out from the bedroom and ask what is wrong, I will tell him to go to sleep because he needs to ace his fab interview tomorrow (he has one too) and I will sit here scratching my bug bites until it is time to leave for my interview feeling more like a zombie and sub consciously blow the interview anyway.....there's my 2.49am fighting spirit.

London, the Sharpes have landed.

Yes yes I know I haven't blogged in awhile, and I have had some major changes going on.  We have finally made the big move to the US of A.  Yep we are here. People keep asking I am glad to be here, the only they I can say is "yes and no"  I am excited to be here and to finally be getting on with our lives, however I miss the comfort of my friends and steady income in the UK, please don't misunderstand I have plenty of friends in the US but I also have plenty of friends in the UK and I miss them terribly.  I also miss having my own car, and a million other things (double deckers...ha ha..not the buses the candy bar). 

We have been super busy since arriving and that is good for me, I need to keep moving or I will shut down and stop moving altogether and that is bad.

The weeks before we moved over were filled with anxiety of getting rid of the cars, and gettting packed, and getting the dog to the airport....it was VERY stressful and I might have turned on Roy a few times when it really wasn't his fault.  The goodbye with fonster-in-law was un-emotional which was expected but on the same not disappointing, Roy got a handshake and a "good luck with your life" and I got a kiss on the cheek and a "safe travels" message.  Dillinger on the other hand got a good fussing but didn't pay attention as he wanted  to get in the car and was too worried about being left behind.  I don't know, what sort of goodbye I wanted, but I was disappointed with the one we got.

The night before we flew we rented a Travelodge hotel room, I know we only paid £19 for it, and I also know that they aren't known for their 5 star rating...but SHEESH...disgusting with a capital "D".  I won't go into the nitty gritty of the disgustingness of this chain of hotels but if someone didn't wipe their backside with our sheets, then I can't tell you what was on that sheet...BLECH!!  It was a nightmare, it was hot, the traffic was loud, Dillinger barked or growled everytime someone opened/shut/slammed their door.    I was in hell, I was stressed about the flight, the dog, finding our way to everywhere we needed to be and I just couldn't sleep.  I was also thinking "Are we moving because of me?, Am I uprooting everyone because of something I want?"....it's a lot of stress and I didn't deal well with it.  We also met up with one of Roy's cousins to give her some pictures of the family and they had such a great time reminincing that I felt mega guilty for making us all move.  So let's just say I didn't feel good about everything that was happening.

However, it all worked out, we found the places we needed to go, I cried a lot when they took Dill away to get loaded on the lane (yes I know I would see him again, but the look he gave me was a look I shan't forget anytime soon, it was a "what they heck did I do wrong?" look).  We boarded the plane, the flight went great, immigration was a breeze, customs was a pain but we got through it.  All in all that Tuesday wasn't the nightmare I was anticipating it to be.

Wednesday was a new day, we got up at like 5.30am just not able to sleep much longer , took Dill on a walk and started working on the pool just to occupy ourselves.  We are living with my Mother, she works alot and needs some help getting the house sorted...I think we both thought it would all be done in a day and when we started on it realized that it might be an all summer project...overwhelmed isn't the word to describe how we felt...but we have been working on it when we can and it is really coming along.

Roy and I also started some part time jobs, we are working for great local family that run a bed and breakfast on a farm type dealy.  Roy cooks for the guests when he is required to do so, and I have been doing everything from answering phones to cleaning the cabins.  We have really enjoyed overselves helping out and we have made some good friends in the process.  Roy has been learning a lot about farming and PA butchery which is a huge, huge blessing and I can tell they really like his company, and he likes theirs.  I have been looking for a job, found a few that were interesting and I have an interview on June 11th about a position...hoping this works out so we can get cell phones and a reliable car.  Roy is waiting on his Social Security card to come through so he can apply but is keeping up with what is out there and is poised and ready to strike when he has that all important number.

We have also been house hunting, and horse hunting which is all great fun because at the moment money is no object...welcome to the world of fantasy shopping...woo hoo!!

So we have been good, getting there slowly (well not really it hasn't even two weeks).  Keep us in your prayers!  I am one step closer to being a farmers wife...woo hoo!!  However starting your life over is hard, and it takes awhile, and it take patience, and I don't have very much patience but I am learning very slowly that I need to be patient.

Second, third and fourth thoughts?

So here I am a little under 3 weeks until we move to the US...am I having second thoughts?  I sure as hell am...will I decide that I am not gonna move back...no.  Moving back to the US has been a dream we have talked about pretty much since we got married, it might not be the best time financially but we need to make this move to move on and up.  I am scared as hell and I used to live there for 25 years,  why at 31 am I soo scared to move back to a place I know and love?  I don't know, I think it is my fear of failure in hyper drive...I don't remember being so scared at 25 to up sticks and move here, but then all I wanted was to be with Roy, I would have lived in a third world country to lay beside him every night and be his wife..and I still would.

I think nothing has been harder then to leave my jobs.  My part time job was working for Home Instead as a carer, I had been there almost 2 years and had grown very close to some of my elderly lovelies. I know in that kind of work you shouldn't really get emotionally involved because you know one way or another you might not be caring for your clients for very long, however I can't NOT become involved and I can NOT not care about them.  I didn't cry when I said goodbye to them, but I did feel guilty.

My full time job might be a lot harder.  I found it quite hard to want to or even attempt to handover the reigns this week.  When my replacement was announced, all I can say was that my reaction was less then excited. I think it was then that I realized this was really happening, and I became jealous...this new girl was gonna be the new me...what if she does a better job?  What if my co-workers like her more?  What if they realize I was really crappy at my job?..I can't explain it but it really tore me apart inside.  I have a friend that does that same job I do, she actually helped trained me when I first went into this business and she described our job as "a job that any monkey can do"...which really irked me, I work damn hard at what I do and I am passionate and to describe it likes that ....well you might as well punch me square in the face.  I do care about the sort of work I do, and I try to be the best at what I do...needless to say this didn't help.  However I got to thinking, first days are hard enough, we all hate them and I would never want to start a job where I thought people disliked me. So I made a pact with myself and the new girl (although she didn't know) that I would do the very best for her, welcome her into my team and train her to the best standard I can do.  You know that "treat others as you would like to be treated"...I belive in that, and my 31 year old heart is dedicated to that.  Rock on!

However all this new work optimism has not translated into my personal life.  I still feel in desperate need of a pep talk.  I have been doing some job hunting on the internet and all it seems to show me is how niche my job is and how a lot of things don't "fit" for me.  I can be anybodys secretary, I can be an administrative assitant until I am old and gray...but I don't want to be someone secretary, I want to be someone's boss.  I know it sounds snobbish and maybe a little selfish but I am at a point in my career where I am afraid if I step down to a lesser position it is gonna be that much harder to make the larger step up to where I want to be.  This might be an unfounded fear and who knows maybe when I get to the US I will find a job straight off that I love, but this is my current state of mind.  I think Roy will find a job

    I will end tonight with a final thought love it a wonderful thing and so is dog ownership...the 2 things that are keeping me smiling and keeping me sane and moving foward are these two.
 much faster then I will...either way we need to find jobs ASAP!

I am a fraud.

I sit here on the couch, stomach full of pasta and veggies and I feel like such a fraud.  I was just in the paper over the weekend for my stunning weight loss that I have acheived...then promptly went on an Easter eating spree and gained 10lbs and 2 weeks.  Yep you read right 10 WHOLE POUNDS!  That is almost 30lbs since Christmas.

I could and would normally  sit here and make excuses as to what made me gain all that weight or, that it wasn't what I ate it was stress/lady probs/muscle gain, but I won't.  I know exactly where all that weight came from, I ate it! I ate like I was never gonna get another ounce of food in this body.  I am not upset about the gain, I am more upset at my ambivelance toward gaining the weight.  I don't feel anything about it but disappointment that I don't care.  Why don't I care?  Why am I not out running 3 miles a day and sticking to the diet?  It is an easy diet and I feel 100% better when I eat to program, and I love it when people tell me how great I look..yet the taste of junk food somehow in my head over rules all the good and I stick the junk in my mouth and swallow.  Ugh, I promised all of FB land and myself that on my 31st b-day all the crap eating stoppe and I was gonna get serious, see how I break my promises to myself?  I suck.

It has been a crazy time in my life, everything is changing, everyone is changing.  I guess if there was an excuse for my eating it would be  that yes it might be stress or it just might be a way of grounding myself to the familiar.  Eating junk is familiar to me, I have eaten junk and have been fat for let's say 25 years, it is comfotable and "normal" to me.  I mean it isn't "normal" but I have always been the "fat girl" I didn't want to be, but not enough to not put those chips in my mush, and not enough to stop myself from shoveling the last 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream into my gob.  So that is my excuse I am longing for something familiar that doesn't talk back, but food should not be my soft landing, and I am  going to try and find something else, because if I keep turning to food to fill my emotional voids I will quite literally die from it.

In a less morbid thought, we are moving really closely to moving out of this house, and I tell you it can't come soon enough.  I do worry that a "normal" married life which includes living on our own is a long way off, and there is a so much pressure for us to get job ASAP.  I know in the long run we will be ok,  but damn is it scary to start over again.

Well it is off to bed, or the kitchen...

What to blog, what to blog...

I know, I know, I have been pretty absent with my blogging lately, would you take that the old "life got in the way" excuse?

I have been trying to think of something that blog about, I mean I could bitch and complain about the traffic, finances, in-laws and work, however I have wanted to keep away from a blog that complains about EVERYTHING.  I read enough of those on a daily basis, and don't want to contribute to the social rot out there.

I guess my update is that I am surviving life, waiting for it all to begin in a little over a month.  Be warned that I will then say that life can't begin again until we are employed and have money in the bank, then life won't begin until we have a house or a place of our own....seems our life might be on hold for awhile...hmph! 

I have been struggling a bit with my look, or lack there of.  Someone at work thought I was 40 yesterday and didn't believe that in fact I am only 31.  I am thinking about cutting my hair, however everytime I cut it I am desperate for it to be long once again.  I want to look stunning, don't we all?  I just don't want to spend the time doing it.  I don't wear make-up ever, ok every once in a while I do think I look extra-corpsey and I pop some mascera on.  I think I look terrible with makeup on, to be honest I dont' really know how to put it on.  Would it be weird for a 31 year-old to have makeup lessons?  I have had people try and make me over, but I think I look like a old-age country singer who is trying too hard...ha ha sorry to those of you that have attempted a make-over on me...he he.

So I am getting really excited about this move, when I don't stress about the money or the lack of jobs.  I am pretty hung up on what car I am going to have next.  I love cars, I think that getting a new car is better than sex (sorry honey), even if it is a used car...I want to drive it.  What I really want is a Jeep Wrangler soft top...I know sooo impractical right?  Ok what I really really really want is a black mercedes benz...but let's be realistic here, let's stick to the cars I might be able to buy, so let's go back to the Jeep Wrangler.  This car is the ultimate winter and summer car, but I know that they suck on gas and they almost always have probs with their transmissions.  Roy and I need a car we both can drive for awhile, he wants a truck I want an SUV.  I wouldn't mind (if we had the money) shipping my Lexus over, but my Lexus is old and I think is starting to die but it fits me perfectly and wouldn't need much to give it a new lease on life.  So every once in a while Roy and I get on ebay and fantasy shop for cars, and that leads to fantasy shopping for houses, then I gotta stop and have a little cry because the house dream is so far off.

I need a lottery win

I think that is my brian dump for the moment, discuss and enjoy.

My life might actually be coming off hold.

So not a whole lot has happened since my last blog, I am still feeling like this move isn't real and that it probably won't happen.  However I am preparing for it to happen, we now have an internationl mover coming to take our stuff on May 12th, which is one less thing I have to worry about woo hoo.

However with all the worry swirling around in my curly haired head, there is the thought that Roy and I might just get to live like a married couple should....like on our own without parents.  Almost 6 years of marriage and SHAAAZAAM we might, just might have our own place.  I do think about this a lot and have found that looking at houses on the internet spurs me on to keep pushing forward and to make this move happen.  It has also taught me just how much of a house snob I am.  I look at houses and say things like "Ohh horrible carpet" or "Who the hell in their right mind would put that wallpaper up?" or my best one yet "Eww that house looks like 100 grannys have died in it"  Yep I am a house snob of the worst kind. But, I think I have a right to be, I have waited long enough and been through enough shit to want to have, what I want to have.  My Mom is not a part of my house snobbery, she thinks if it is cheap and still standing I should buy it.  NO WAY!

I don't let myself get too excited about buying a house (ha ha, well I "try" not to get excited), because I know we still need to get good jobs, buy at least 2 cars, and at the very least get ourselves a cell phone contract.  Not to mention we need to get furniture, save for the down payment and build up my credit...so I know we have some time and some money to find.  However whenever I think of these hurdles I also think about the most inspiring thing my husband has ever said to me, and he said it at a time when I so desperately needed to hear it.  I will set the scene for you:

Picture us standing in front the of the US Embassy in London, we were in line to go in and hear the decision whether Roy would get his green card or not.  After a morning of running (literally) to the train station, hopping on the early train, fighting the rush hour crowds on the London tube, almost getting food poisoing from THE WORSE BK breakfast ever, and navigating our way to the Embassy we were finally in the line I had worried and dreamed about for 10 months.  We were about 5 people away froom going into the security hut and then finally going into the Embassy to wait and wait and wait and wait until our number finally came up and we go to the window 13 to find out our fate.  So we are standing there, it is sunny and raining a little bit, as is typical of English weather, I am looking at the huge golden eagle perched on top of this unimpressive office building, and trying to identify the states flags that wave outside (I am rubbish at this by the way) and I hear Roy say "You know darlin, the only thing that stands between us and our farm is this building and about $190,000."  I don't know what happend inside, but it just clicked....he was right...just this building and the decision that awaits inside and a good chunk of money, and I will be well on my way to being a farmers wife, and that is the end goal right?

So anway here I sit 2 months and a little bit from hopping on that plane and re-beginning my life as an American.  I don't feel anything but worry...and maybe just hint a of excitement...but I just might be taking my life off hold and that is more exiciting then all the worry I have.

The secret is finally out

  I am sure you are all aware by now that Roy and I have decided to move back to the US, we fly May 22nd and are excited...well kinda. If you didn't know...SURPRISE!

I have wanted this move for years, pretty much after the first awful year that I moved here.  I remember traveling to work and begging God for us to win the lottery so we could move home, but he knew better than I did (as per usual).  Now that we are moving and 95% of it is booked and paid for the only thing I can tell you is that I am feeling nothing but ambivelence....yep I don't feel really anything towards it.  I would like to say that I am excited beyond words, or that I am scared to death...but honestly I am none of these, I am not even in the middle of these two emotions.  I guess at this point I am ready for it all to blow up in my face and I am not letting myself feel anything towards "the move".  I am concentrating on working and trying to survive and not stress too much, but I cracked last night.

Friday was a pretty shit day, both at work and personally.  I won't discuss work here because they already get enough of my time and emotions.  Personally I had a melt down and it looked like Roy was the unfortunate victim.  Basically it started over some stupid ivory statues that Roy wanted to move home, this sent me into a rage, not quite sure why...maybe because when I explained to him that we are only taking bare minium these didn't factor into my thoughts, but this rage resulted in me standing in front of my work screaming and crying at him on my cell phone, then he got it again in the car on the ride home..poor chap.  I hate when I am like this, I am so much like my father with my emotions and that does scare me.  I love my Dad please do not get me wrong about that fact, but emotionally he was a terrorist, or de-void of emotion and I have come to pick those habits up.  You either get loud, screamy, sharp tongued, hurtful me, where I hook my lips up to my brain and let every hurtful and irrational thought spill out, or I get silent.  Which would you choose? Roy said he prefers the screaming me so at least I get out what I am thinking and I don't freeze him out...but after last night I am not so sure.

Anywho we have kissed and made up since last night, and this is another reason why I am in absolute all consuming love with this man.

So anyway back to move and my feeling of nothingness towards it.  I guess if I had to pick an emotion that I am feeling towards this move it would have to be worry...I know shocked, me, worry about anything, NEVER! Yep I am worrying about the moving company, the dog flying and most of all the fact that we are both going to be unemployed in EEEK 2 months!!!  I know a lot of people have told me I should have no problem finding a job, but what if I do?  There is a lot of stuff riding on the fact that we need to get jobs, I guess the most important is that my Mom needs hip surgery and has it booked for June which means not only will 2 of us be out of work 3 of us will be out of work, and although I know my Mom is saving like mad...what if it isn't enough and we starve and die or have to turn to my brother for help? 

The other factor that is affected by us not having jobs has to do with the whole reason that we are moving to the US....to live on our own, in our own house, begin our married life seperate from our parents and yes be a farmers wife.  I dream about the day we get the mortgage and fend for ourselves.  I dream about the day that I don't have to ask if I can paint a room, and I can go to bed without having to wash the dishes and not get it in the neck in the morning.  I dream about the small farm we want, with the animals that depend on us with the house that needs us to warm its insides.   What if it takes us a year to get a job?  We have bills in 2 countries that need paid....oh dear Lord please don't let this be the worst mistake we ever make.

Yes worry would be what I am feeling about this move.....

Not a lot I can say about it.

I haven't blogged in a tad of time because there isn't much to talk about.  Ok that is a lie,I have loads I would LOVE to talk about but I can't...for many reasons, but soon enough maybe I will be able to talk about things.

Mostly I have been working my arse off and burning myself out.  Friday night I was driving home from work and just burst into tears, no reason, no sad thoughts, work was ok that day, I think it was just extreme tiredness.  Then came the laughing, the laughter that I was sobbing for absolutly no reason, this brought on the hiccups...so I was a sobbing, laughing, hiccuping mess.  I cleaned myself up by the time I got home and didn't mention (apart from Twitter) what had just happend.  I just think I need more sleep and to use the word "no"  a lot more.

I am firmly back on track with my weight loss, I have really cleaned up my diet and SHAZZAM my heartburn disappeared and I don't feel so creaky in my bones.  Today I almost had a wobbly, but instead of getting the 24 inch french baguette I really wanted for lunch, Roy made a beautiful veggie pasta and I made an ok fruit salad which hit the spot a lot more then I thought it would and I was satisfied. So that is going ok, and I am hoping after this week's weigh in (I know it will be a gain, and I am determined to not let it bother me, but watch this space for my rantings after I find out how much I really gained) the scales will start to move downward again.  This weight loss will put me closer to the farmers wife goal because once I feel I am light enough to start riding horse again, I am gonna get back in the saddle and start doing something that makes me so incredibly happy (and hope not to get too hurt in the process).

Have I mentioned how lucky I am to be married to the man I married.  I know it is cliche to hear that I love him more and more everyday, but damn it is true.  When we first got together (in person and not online) it was an all con-suming, can't get enough of each other, every thought was of being with each other love.  The love I have now is a comfortable, secure, exciting, a damn-we-are-making-it...kind of love.  I love this love, I look at this man and think JACK-FRIGGIN-POT!  I have never been with someone who finds me irresistable and tells me so, nor have I been with someone who wants to be affectionate all the time and encourages with every crazy idea I have...but this man does and has done for the 6 years we have known one another.  I have always been the chaser for everything, so when I am chased it feels good and I don't want it to stop.  However I think he is the better spouse and I am not such a good love giver but I am getting better.  I have a small little part of me that is scared to give all of myself to Roy because what if he leaves?  I think we all have a small fear of that, but Roy does all he can to assure me what we have is real and isn't going to go away anytime soon.  So yeah I just want to say that, not because I want you to be jealous, or that I am flaunting that I am married, but because it is how I truly you feel and for the neigh sayers that say this kind of love doesn't exist...I can say it does.

Anywho my amazing husband has made some amazing meal that I must go and do some serious damage to.

Toodles.

Having a serious case of the "not enoughs"

I am in serious need of a pep talk and a slap.

So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry.  The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.

Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits.  I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two.  My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not.  I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails.  I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders.  In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER!  I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".

There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose"  yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey.  I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why??  I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit?  It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it?  I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me.  I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.

I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough".  I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn.  I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage?  WHAT??  Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it.  Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that?     I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.

This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough.  I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.  

When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie.  I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT!  I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent.  This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I  (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"

 I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me.  I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap"   but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?

I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house.  I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder.  I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control.  I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG"  Why is that?  Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?

I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen.  I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life.  Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great?  Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar?  The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own.  I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally.  I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.

I would be a Dometic Goddess if I had the time!

I have about an hour and a half each week to get all my housecleaning done.  Which to me is nothing, an hour and a half is getting all the towels in the airing cupboard to be in a neat tidy order, by size, and color and then I need that 30 secs to sit back and admire my work.  I love things to be clean and tidy and clutter unsettles me immensly, I can't say I LOVE to clean but I do like things to be clean and tidy so for things to be that way I have to clean.  However I work 7 days a week,  just around the 60hr a week mark, so it doesn't leave a lot of time for me to be a domestic goddess which drives me a little bit batty. I intend to change this when I become a farmers wife, for now the butchers wife will have to accept that she will have to settle for a quick  wipe of the tub and the sink and that I simply just don't have the time to get out my old toothbrushes and scrub the taps and tiles clean.

Speaking of cleaning my favorite task and the task I always seem to be knee deep in 24/7 is laundry. Doing your laundry in the UK is a whole world away from laundry in the US...the UK seem to have an aversion to tumble dryers, while in the US we don't exaclty know how clothes get dry without them.  I am still getting used to this after 5 years, we have a tumble dryer here at Sharpe estates but to use it requires a presentation to the Fonster-in-law, once that is approved you get a time limit to use it because "I am not blooming paying the earth for your clothing to dry" hmmph, and then  you have to show him everything you put in the tumble dryer so he can approve the worthiness of the item to be dried. In the summer laundry is quite easy, that is if it doesn't rain (rain in Britian  NEVER) because I just pop it on the clothes line and because we live so close to the sea there is a always a breeze.  However in the winter laundry becomes a whole other kettle of fish, washing it is fine, drying it....that could take months.  So once it is dry (which it never really is, God knows how I haven't gotten rotten crotch in the time I have been here), then comes the hours of ironing it.  Ironing MUST be done because you don't have the heat from the tumble dryer to get all those wrinkles out.  I have the added privilegde to be married to a butcher who wears heavy linen lab coats that require all my body weight on the iron to make it look slightly less wrinkled, so again if I had the time I would so rock that laundry in an afternoon (of course if the Fonster-in-Law is out and I can air the smell of clean laundry out the back door)

Have I completely bored you yet?

Ok apart from working all hours God sends, and trying to keep my house from looking like a hoarder lives here (honestly I don't know how those of you with children manage to have spotless homes, my hats off to you), I am also on a weight loss journey.  Yes you heard me right, I have been on one for about a year now. I have managed to lose around 70lbs, but since June my weight loss has all but stopped, and since Christmas I have put on 10.5lbs (there I said it).  I can tell you that in the beginning the weight loss was fab (I am using a program called Slimming World, kinda like Weight Watchers with the meetings and stuff but you are able to eat much more), but ever since I lost the first 50 my body isn't happy.  For those of you that know me, know that I have been big all my life, I don't know why I eat so much I guess I just like it.  However I don't want to be so big anymore, the people of the UK never forget to remind how big I am everyday so it is time to slim that ass down.  My problem is I have lost my way, after Thursday's weigh in I sooooo want to jack it in.  3 more pounds on and I have been super good at eating, so to say I wanted to run out of the building in true Diva style is an understatment.  I am torn between just quitting and really giving it a good go, and finding the time (maybe I can survive on 3 hrs of sleep a week) to get my ass up off the couch and go for a walk, or a strolll, or maybe I should just sit on the couch and try to melt my brain with another episode of Teen Mom.  If I jack it in, I get to each shit again and gain all my weight back, if I decide to give it another honest go I might start losing again and become the super model size 16 I have always wanted to be.....the verdict is still out I have 3 fab weeks of celebrating to look forward to, maybe I will try hard in March.

My effort to become a farmers wife is in the research stages right now, well if you can call it that.  Roy gets me all sorts of books out of the library so I can learn all about becoming the perfect chicken raiser, or the perfect gardener, or the perfect all around farm wife, but the time I get to look at these books is right before I hit the hay (see what I did there) and I usually end up falling asleep or smacking myself in the face with these books having not read a single word whilst falling asleep, so my research isn't going that great.

Anyway I will persevere and maybe I will do what I normally do and just jump in with both feet and learn along the way..ha ha!

Best you git to know me better!

I thought all day about what my next post would be, I toyed with a few ideas but as if I was crumpling up the paper and throwing it in the bin none of my ideas seemed that great...so I guess this will be the getting to know me section. Although most of you reading this already know plently about me, of course I can't possibly tell  you EVERYTHING about me...I can provide a small speck of  insight.

I grew up pretty happy, I have great parents who decided that although the couldn't love or live with each other they could still love my brother and I the best they could...of course they made mistakes but don't we all?

My school years were pretty unremarkable, I wasn't a bad student but I wasn't a great student I happily existed pretty much right in the middle, ok maybe towards the higher grades of the middle but def not anywhere close to a smarty.  I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I was in high school, I thought I might be a vet but went to shadow a vet for a day and watched her put an old, black poodle to sleep and knew that this wasn't the career for me.  I decided that maybe my personality lended itself more towards the media (ha)....I started in college radio while I was still in high school picking up an on-air gig on Susquehanna University Radio...man I thought I hit the big time, and when they asked to me back 2 years in a row I knew where I belonged (or at least something I could do that I wouldn't totally hate).  So I went off to the first University that would take me ....HELLO  Shipp!

This is where it all goes hazy, ok I did drink in college, I prob drank a lot more than I should have.....but can I be honest here?...I don't remember a whole lot about college.  I remember some friends, and I remember some people, but if I went back for homecoming weekend I would feel like a stranger.  I don't know why my college memories are only in little block memories but this is what it is.  I loved this time in life and I feel a little cheated I can't remember most of it.

After college I remember sort of drifting between living with my Dad, and various friends that thought we could co-exist together and in the end we realized that we are a lot more different or annoying than either of us let on.  This drifiting that I was doing during this time lead down the path to a few evil people who would change my life forever (maybe more about that later).  I also wanted more than anything to meet a man and settle down and have a "normal" life, whatever the heck that is.  All my friends were doing it, I swear all my closest friends got married in a span of 6 months so I was always the third wheel, or the fixer upper...ugh.

It would take one of the worst events in my life to take place to lead me to the man I would fall madly in love with and marry.  I don't really want to go into the whole story tonight but I will say, I met Roy online in August 2005, he came to visit me in the US in December 2005 and within four days of the physical meeting we were engaged and planning a wedding....WHHHAAAA  I was 25 and invincible and had a man that ticked all my boxes and had a hot English accent to just put the cherry on top.  This man totally changed my view of love and marriage and still continues to astonish me with this unconditional love and affection.

So anyway I got married at 25, and moved to the UK.  Lots of people thought I was crazy at the time and maybe I was.  I was stepping into a life I knew nothing about.  I hold the belief that a lot of people think I made this decision to move to hurt everyone, or to attract attention to myself.  Well I can say it was a selfish decision but I literally only moved to be with my husband, not hurt anyone or one up anyone..that's the truth.

So 5 years later I am 30 about to turn 31 and I still have identity and body isssues, I don't know what I want to be exactly when I grow up, or if I want to grow up. I want to be a farmers wife, yes, but I also want my career to take off, I want to grow closer to the Lord (by the way if you don't want to read my "religous" talk there is a red X in the corner you can hit), I want to be a better wife, a better doggy Mom, 7 stone lighter, I want to own a cherry red Jeep Wrangler, I want to go to Las Vegas at least once, I want to conquer my fear of flying, I want to own lots-o-animals, I want to grow my own veg, learn to can, learn to sew, own my own home....and man so much more.  I love a good fart joke.  Pizza Hut is prob my fav restuarant.  I love my dog more than someone should love their dog, and I talk about him all the time.  My Mom is closer to me than any friends and I tell her everything.  My music tastes are so varied that I can't even begin to define them here. I have trouble driving ugly cars. I am a typical, loud, fat (no really I am) American.  I have finally come to love my curly hair, and if I have an extra 5 mins to hand I am either watching crap-rot-your-brain tv or napping....this is just the little bit about me...hope ya like it.

And so it begins

I have often thought about starting a blog, and I have thought of loads of things to write, sometimes its witty, sometimes funny but mostly just about me.  I have loads going on in my head and I think a lot of it might shock you or not, but basically I just need to get it out before it eats me up.  I am not who I pretend to be, don't worry this won't take an Emo turn, I won't start writing about how my black hearts beats on steel razor blades or anything but sometimes what my mouth says is not what my brain is thinking.

I guess my first revelation is tonight is that I am a road-rage-aholic, nothing gets me a-cussing and a-swearing like a stupid driver or a high beam to the eyes.  Just tonight you could find me rolling down the street in Hemmingstone screaming at an idiotic BMW driver who couldn't wait the 3 secs it took me to get to a point in the road where he/she could pass me without any hassle...ooooohhhhh noooo they had to make me back up even though I had further to travel backwards then they had to wait to me to get to that point in to road...I wound down my window and yelled something like "Where the frick did you want me to go?"  and I am sure a gesture followed that up, but in the dark it was hardly effective.   So that is my usual routine, I scream at stupid drivers in the morning and evening.

So do you wanna know why I named my blog I want to be a farmers wife??  Well because I do want to be a farmers wife, I want to live off the land and the animals I raise and grow.  I am seriously addicted to animals and could quite happily be an animal hoarder if not closely watched.  So I thought maybe starting a blog about how I intend to be a farmers wife, and all the other crazy ideas I think up and try to undertake would saitate me and maybe calm the crazy down in my head.

For now I just dream and scheme about waking up on my small farm, with my husband and 8 (maybe 20) dogs and letting the horses and cattle out to run.  As for now I feed my one overweight miniature schanauzer and wish it was more, and I drive to my office job while thinking about growing my own veg, canning it, and feeding my family (of 2.5 people, myself included) come whatever the ecomnomic climate...this is my life's ambition...as well as having fun along the way.