I am in a mood, in a funk....mad at myself, mad at the world and just mad in both the crazy and angry sense. I have no one to blame for this mood but myself, although Mom and the husband get shut out just the same because I resort to the silent treatment when I am in a mood. I have inherited the utilization of the silent treatment from my father and I don't mean to brag...but I am DAYUM good at it. The silent treatment allows me to think everything from worst case scenario (melt down of the earth) to the "it will be ok" scenario...and I get annoyed when people want me to interact with them when I am in the "silent treatment mode". What has me in this state....to be honest...well I am not sure, I mean there is stuff I am dealing with in my life , but really aren't we all? I think the thing that is bothering me the most is I am seeking normalcy in my life...something that was normal 10 years ago and is normal now....something that I can still claim as my own..my go to thing...but I don't have that. I miss my old normal life. I miss feeling comfortable in my skin...I miss having a permanent address and a routine. I gave all this up when I moved away and got married and I never really got this back. This "life on hold thing" has been going on since 2005!! 6 long years of life being on hold is wearing me down, however now that I am only months away from finally settling down and getting some sense of normalcy back I am longing and yearning for it...and it is frustrating me that I can not have it RIGHT NOW...and now it might be put back even further due to finances (I know)!
UGH UGH COME ON ALREADY!! It is time to settle down and live on my own with my husband and animals and get my own things and and be in my own space without other peoples things and mess about..if it is our mess I can clean it up...or throw it away..not just put up with it because it is other peoples things and I won't be in THEIR house...I will be in MY HOUSE..and if I wanted to strut around butt nekkid and fart I could because I am paying the bills and if the table was loaded up with crap and bills and empty boxes and junk bought at the dollar store or the "Seen it on TV' aisle I could take my arm and swipe all that junk in the garbage....because it would be mine and I HATE CLUTTER! If the fridge was a mess (which it wouldn't be cause I am a bit of a neat freak) it wouldn't matter cause it would be my mess....I think you get the point here and where I am going with this.
I am hoping that once things settle down at home maybe I can finally get more comfortable at work...maybe...or maybe in the end I will have enough confidence in my abilities and do something that makes me insanely happy, that I rock at, and that will pay be a handsome fee...or maybe I will love my job so much that I rock that and they promote me to CEO. Or just maybe I will stop soothing myself with junk food and I will shut the computer/tv off and get off my fat ass and go get healthy....who knows.
Please dont' read this as I am not happy or that I don't feel blessed because I do...I know that everyday I have a safe warm place to lay my head down each night....I also know that I have enough food to see me through till next year and that I don't have the most amazing friends, family and above all God that will always have my back...but sometimes...you know things just get to you.
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