I am a fraud.

I sit here on the couch, stomach full of pasta and veggies and I feel like such a fraud.  I was just in the paper over the weekend for my stunning weight loss that I have acheived...then promptly went on an Easter eating spree and gained 10lbs and 2 weeks.  Yep you read right 10 WHOLE POUNDS!  That is almost 30lbs since Christmas.

I could and would normally  sit here and make excuses as to what made me gain all that weight or, that it wasn't what I ate it was stress/lady probs/muscle gain, but I won't.  I know exactly where all that weight came from, I ate it! I ate like I was never gonna get another ounce of food in this body.  I am not upset about the gain, I am more upset at my ambivelance toward gaining the weight.  I don't feel anything about it but disappointment that I don't care.  Why don't I care?  Why am I not out running 3 miles a day and sticking to the diet?  It is an easy diet and I feel 100% better when I eat to program, and I love it when people tell me how great I look..yet the taste of junk food somehow in my head over rules all the good and I stick the junk in my mouth and swallow.  Ugh, I promised all of FB land and myself that on my 31st b-day all the crap eating stoppe and I was gonna get serious, see how I break my promises to myself?  I suck.

It has been a crazy time in my life, everything is changing, everyone is changing.  I guess if there was an excuse for my eating it would be  that yes it might be stress or it just might be a way of grounding myself to the familiar.  Eating junk is familiar to me, I have eaten junk and have been fat for let's say 25 years, it is comfotable and "normal" to me.  I mean it isn't "normal" but I have always been the "fat girl" I didn't want to be, but not enough to not put those chips in my mush, and not enough to stop myself from shoveling the last 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream into my gob.  So that is my excuse I am longing for something familiar that doesn't talk back, but food should not be my soft landing, and I am  going to try and find something else, because if I keep turning to food to fill my emotional voids I will quite literally die from it.

In a less morbid thought, we are moving really closely to moving out of this house, and I tell you it can't come soon enough.  I do worry that a "normal" married life which includes living on our own is a long way off, and there is a so much pressure for us to get job ASAP.  I know in the long run we will be ok,  but damn is it scary to start over again.

Well it is off to bed, or the kitchen...

What to blog, what to blog...

I know, I know, I have been pretty absent with my blogging lately, would you take that the old "life got in the way" excuse?

I have been trying to think of something that blog about, I mean I could bitch and complain about the traffic, finances, in-laws and work, however I have wanted to keep away from a blog that complains about EVERYTHING.  I read enough of those on a daily basis, and don't want to contribute to the social rot out there.

I guess my update is that I am surviving life, waiting for it all to begin in a little over a month.  Be warned that I will then say that life can't begin again until we are employed and have money in the bank, then life won't begin until we have a house or a place of our own....seems our life might be on hold for awhile...hmph! 

I have been struggling a bit with my look, or lack there of.  Someone at work thought I was 40 yesterday and didn't believe that in fact I am only 31.  I am thinking about cutting my hair, however everytime I cut it I am desperate for it to be long once again.  I want to look stunning, don't we all?  I just don't want to spend the time doing it.  I don't wear make-up ever, ok every once in a while I do think I look extra-corpsey and I pop some mascera on.  I think I look terrible with makeup on, to be honest I dont' really know how to put it on.  Would it be weird for a 31 year-old to have makeup lessons?  I have had people try and make me over, but I think I look like a old-age country singer who is trying too hard...ha ha sorry to those of you that have attempted a make-over on me...he he.

So I am getting really excited about this move, when I don't stress about the money or the lack of jobs.  I am pretty hung up on what car I am going to have next.  I love cars, I think that getting a new car is better than sex (sorry honey), even if it is a used car...I want to drive it.  What I really want is a Jeep Wrangler soft top...I know sooo impractical right?  Ok what I really really really want is a black mercedes benz...but let's be realistic here, let's stick to the cars I might be able to buy, so let's go back to the Jeep Wrangler.  This car is the ultimate winter and summer car, but I know that they suck on gas and they almost always have probs with their transmissions.  Roy and I need a car we both can drive for awhile, he wants a truck I want an SUV.  I wouldn't mind (if we had the money) shipping my Lexus over, but my Lexus is old and I think is starting to die but it fits me perfectly and wouldn't need much to give it a new lease on life.  So every once in a while Roy and I get on ebay and fantasy shop for cars, and that leads to fantasy shopping for houses, then I gotta stop and have a little cry because the house dream is so far off.

I need a lottery win

I think that is my brian dump for the moment, discuss and enjoy.