I am a fraud.

I sit here on the couch, stomach full of pasta and veggies and I feel like such a fraud.  I was just in the paper over the weekend for my stunning weight loss that I have acheived...then promptly went on an Easter eating spree and gained 10lbs and 2 weeks.  Yep you read right 10 WHOLE POUNDS!  That is almost 30lbs since Christmas.

I could and would normally  sit here and make excuses as to what made me gain all that weight or, that it wasn't what I ate it was stress/lady probs/muscle gain, but I won't.  I know exactly where all that weight came from, I ate it! I ate like I was never gonna get another ounce of food in this body.  I am not upset about the gain, I am more upset at my ambivelance toward gaining the weight.  I don't feel anything about it but disappointment that I don't care.  Why don't I care?  Why am I not out running 3 miles a day and sticking to the diet?  It is an easy diet and I feel 100% better when I eat to program, and I love it when people tell me how great I look..yet the taste of junk food somehow in my head over rules all the good and I stick the junk in my mouth and swallow.  Ugh, I promised all of FB land and myself that on my 31st b-day all the crap eating stoppe and I was gonna get serious, see how I break my promises to myself?  I suck.

It has been a crazy time in my life, everything is changing, everyone is changing.  I guess if there was an excuse for my eating it would be  that yes it might be stress or it just might be a way of grounding myself to the familiar.  Eating junk is familiar to me, I have eaten junk and have been fat for let's say 25 years, it is comfotable and "normal" to me.  I mean it isn't "normal" but I have always been the "fat girl" I didn't want to be, but not enough to not put those chips in my mush, and not enough to stop myself from shoveling the last 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream into my gob.  So that is my excuse I am longing for something familiar that doesn't talk back, but food should not be my soft landing, and I am  going to try and find something else, because if I keep turning to food to fill my emotional voids I will quite literally die from it.

In a less morbid thought, we are moving really closely to moving out of this house, and I tell you it can't come soon enough.  I do worry that a "normal" married life which includes living on our own is a long way off, and there is a so much pressure for us to get job ASAP.  I know in the long run we will be ok,  but damn is it scary to start over again.

Well it is off to bed, or the kitchen...