Second, third and fourth thoughts?

So here I am a little under 3 weeks until we move to the US...am I having second thoughts?  I sure as hell am...will I decide that I am not gonna move back...no.  Moving back to the US has been a dream we have talked about pretty much since we got married, it might not be the best time financially but we need to make this move to move on and up.  I am scared as hell and I used to live there for 25 years,  why at 31 am I soo scared to move back to a place I know and love?  I don't know, I think it is my fear of failure in hyper drive...I don't remember being so scared at 25 to up sticks and move here, but then all I wanted was to be with Roy, I would have lived in a third world country to lay beside him every night and be his wife..and I still would.

I think nothing has been harder then to leave my jobs.  My part time job was working for Home Instead as a carer, I had been there almost 2 years and had grown very close to some of my elderly lovelies. I know in that kind of work you shouldn't really get emotionally involved because you know one way or another you might not be caring for your clients for very long, however I can't NOT become involved and I can NOT not care about them.  I didn't cry when I said goodbye to them, but I did feel guilty.

My full time job might be a lot harder.  I found it quite hard to want to or even attempt to handover the reigns this week.  When my replacement was announced, all I can say was that my reaction was less then excited. I think it was then that I realized this was really happening, and I became jealous...this new girl was gonna be the new me...what if she does a better job?  What if my co-workers like her more?  What if they realize I was really crappy at my job?..I can't explain it but it really tore me apart inside.  I have a friend that does that same job I do, she actually helped trained me when I first went into this business and she described our job as "a job that any monkey can do"...which really irked me, I work damn hard at what I do and I am passionate and to describe it likes that ....well you might as well punch me square in the face.  I do care about the sort of work I do, and I try to be the best at what I do...needless to say this didn't help.  However I got to thinking, first days are hard enough, we all hate them and I would never want to start a job where I thought people disliked me. So I made a pact with myself and the new girl (although she didn't know) that I would do the very best for her, welcome her into my team and train her to the best standard I can do.  You know that "treat others as you would like to be treated"...I belive in that, and my 31 year old heart is dedicated to that.  Rock on!

However all this new work optimism has not translated into my personal life.  I still feel in desperate need of a pep talk.  I have been doing some job hunting on the internet and all it seems to show me is how niche my job is and how a lot of things don't "fit" for me.  I can be anybodys secretary, I can be an administrative assitant until I am old and gray...but I don't want to be someone secretary, I want to be someone's boss.  I know it sounds snobbish and maybe a little selfish but I am at a point in my career where I am afraid if I step down to a lesser position it is gonna be that much harder to make the larger step up to where I want to be.  This might be an unfounded fear and who knows maybe when I get to the US I will find a job straight off that I love, but this is my current state of mind.  I think Roy will find a job

    I will end tonight with a final thought love it a wonderful thing and so is dog ownership...the 2 things that are keeping me smiling and keeping me sane and moving foward are these two.
 much faster then I will...either way we need to find jobs ASAP!