I am sure you are all aware by now that Roy and I have decided to move back to the US, we fly May 22nd and are excited...well kinda. If you didn't know...SURPRISE!
I have wanted this move for years, pretty much after the first awful year that I moved here. I remember traveling to work and begging God for us to win the lottery so we could move home, but he knew better than I did (as per usual). Now that we are moving and 95% of it is booked and paid for the only thing I can tell you is that I am feeling nothing but ambivelence....yep I don't feel really anything towards it. I would like to say that I am excited beyond words, or that I am scared to death...but honestly I am none of these, I am not even in the middle of these two emotions. I guess at this point I am ready for it all to blow up in my face and I am not letting myself feel anything towards "the move". I am concentrating on working and trying to survive and not stress too much, but I cracked last night.
Friday was a pretty shit day, both at work and personally. I won't discuss work here because they already get enough of my time and emotions. Personally I had a melt down and it looked like Roy was the unfortunate victim. Basically it started over some stupid ivory statues that Roy wanted to move home, this sent me into a rage, not quite sure why...maybe because when I explained to him that we are only taking bare minium these didn't factor into my thoughts, but this rage resulted in me standing in front of my work screaming and crying at him on my cell phone, then he got it again in the car on the ride home..poor chap. I hate when I am like this, I am so much like my father with my emotions and that does scare me. I love my Dad please do not get me wrong about that fact, but emotionally he was a terrorist, or de-void of emotion and I have come to pick those habits up. You either get loud, screamy, sharp tongued, hurtful me, where I hook my lips up to my brain and let every hurtful and irrational thought spill out, or I get silent. Which would you choose? Roy said he prefers the screaming me so at least I get out what I am thinking and I don't freeze him out...but after last night I am not so sure.
Anywho we have kissed and made up since last night, and this is another reason why I am in absolute all consuming love with this man.
So anyway back to move and my feeling of nothingness towards it. I guess if I had to pick an emotion that I am feeling towards this move it would have to be worry...I know shocked, me, worry about anything, NEVER! Yep I am worrying about the moving company, the dog flying and most of all the fact that we are both going to be unemployed in EEEK 2 months!!! I know a lot of people have told me I should have no problem finding a job, but what if I do? There is a lot of stuff riding on the fact that we need to get jobs, I guess the most important is that my Mom needs hip surgery and has it booked for June which means not only will 2 of us be out of work 3 of us will be out of work, and although I know my Mom is saving like mad...what if it isn't enough and we starve and die or have to turn to my brother for help?
The other factor that is affected by us not having jobs has to do with the whole reason that we are moving to the US....to live on our own, in our own house, begin our married life seperate from our parents and yes be a farmers wife. I dream about the day we get the mortgage and fend for ourselves. I dream about the day that I don't have to ask if I can paint a room, and I can go to bed without having to wash the dishes and not get it in the neck in the morning. I dream about the small farm we want, with the animals that depend on us with the house that needs us to warm its insides. What if it takes us a year to get a job? We have bills in 2 countries that need paid....oh dear Lord please don't let this be the worst mistake we ever make.
Yes worry would be what I am feeling about this move.....
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