My life might actually be coming off hold.

So not a whole lot has happened since my last blog, I am still feeling like this move isn't real and that it probably won't happen.  However I am preparing for it to happen, we now have an internationl mover coming to take our stuff on May 12th, which is one less thing I have to worry about woo hoo.

However with all the worry swirling around in my curly haired head, there is the thought that Roy and I might just get to live like a married couple should....like on our own without parents.  Almost 6 years of marriage and SHAAAZAAM we might, just might have our own place.  I do think about this a lot and have found that looking at houses on the internet spurs me on to keep pushing forward and to make this move happen.  It has also taught me just how much of a house snob I am.  I look at houses and say things like "Ohh horrible carpet" or "Who the hell in their right mind would put that wallpaper up?" or my best one yet "Eww that house looks like 100 grannys have died in it"  Yep I am a house snob of the worst kind. But, I think I have a right to be, I have waited long enough and been through enough shit to want to have, what I want to have.  My Mom is not a part of my house snobbery, she thinks if it is cheap and still standing I should buy it.  NO WAY!

I don't let myself get too excited about buying a house (ha ha, well I "try" not to get excited), because I know we still need to get good jobs, buy at least 2 cars, and at the very least get ourselves a cell phone contract.  Not to mention we need to get furniture, save for the down payment and build up my credit...so I know we have some time and some money to find.  However whenever I think of these hurdles I also think about the most inspiring thing my husband has ever said to me, and he said it at a time when I so desperately needed to hear it.  I will set the scene for you:

Picture us standing in front the of the US Embassy in London, we were in line to go in and hear the decision whether Roy would get his green card or not.  After a morning of running (literally) to the train station, hopping on the early train, fighting the rush hour crowds on the London tube, almost getting food poisoing from THE WORSE BK breakfast ever, and navigating our way to the Embassy we were finally in the line I had worried and dreamed about for 10 months.  We were about 5 people away froom going into the security hut and then finally going into the Embassy to wait and wait and wait and wait until our number finally came up and we go to the window 13 to find out our fate.  So we are standing there, it is sunny and raining a little bit, as is typical of English weather, I am looking at the huge golden eagle perched on top of this unimpressive office building, and trying to identify the states flags that wave outside (I am rubbish at this by the way) and I hear Roy say "You know darlin, the only thing that stands between us and our farm is this building and about $190,000."  I don't know what happend inside, but it just clicked....he was right...just this building and the decision that awaits inside and a good chunk of money, and I will be well on my way to being a farmers wife, and that is the end goal right?

So anway here I sit 2 months and a little bit from hopping on that plane and re-beginning my life as an American.  I don't feel anything but worry...and maybe just hint a of excitement...but I just might be taking my life off hold and that is more exiciting then all the worry I have.

The secret is finally out

  I am sure you are all aware by now that Roy and I have decided to move back to the US, we fly May 22nd and are excited...well kinda. If you didn't know...SURPRISE!

I have wanted this move for years, pretty much after the first awful year that I moved here.  I remember traveling to work and begging God for us to win the lottery so we could move home, but he knew better than I did (as per usual).  Now that we are moving and 95% of it is booked and paid for the only thing I can tell you is that I am feeling nothing but ambivelence....yep I don't feel really anything towards it.  I would like to say that I am excited beyond words, or that I am scared to death...but honestly I am none of these, I am not even in the middle of these two emotions.  I guess at this point I am ready for it all to blow up in my face and I am not letting myself feel anything towards "the move".  I am concentrating on working and trying to survive and not stress too much, but I cracked last night.

Friday was a pretty shit day, both at work and personally.  I won't discuss work here because they already get enough of my time and emotions.  Personally I had a melt down and it looked like Roy was the unfortunate victim.  Basically it started over some stupid ivory statues that Roy wanted to move home, this sent me into a rage, not quite sure why...maybe because when I explained to him that we are only taking bare minium these didn't factor into my thoughts, but this rage resulted in me standing in front of my work screaming and crying at him on my cell phone, then he got it again in the car on the ride home..poor chap.  I hate when I am like this, I am so much like my father with my emotions and that does scare me.  I love my Dad please do not get me wrong about that fact, but emotionally he was a terrorist, or de-void of emotion and I have come to pick those habits up.  You either get loud, screamy, sharp tongued, hurtful me, where I hook my lips up to my brain and let every hurtful and irrational thought spill out, or I get silent.  Which would you choose? Roy said he prefers the screaming me so at least I get out what I am thinking and I don't freeze him out...but after last night I am not so sure.

Anywho we have kissed and made up since last night, and this is another reason why I am in absolute all consuming love with this man.

So anyway back to move and my feeling of nothingness towards it.  I guess if I had to pick an emotion that I am feeling towards this move it would have to be worry...I know shocked, me, worry about anything, NEVER! Yep I am worrying about the moving company, the dog flying and most of all the fact that we are both going to be unemployed in EEEK 2 months!!!  I know a lot of people have told me I should have no problem finding a job, but what if I do?  There is a lot of stuff riding on the fact that we need to get jobs, I guess the most important is that my Mom needs hip surgery and has it booked for June which means not only will 2 of us be out of work 3 of us will be out of work, and although I know my Mom is saving like mad...what if it isn't enough and we starve and die or have to turn to my brother for help? 

The other factor that is affected by us not having jobs has to do with the whole reason that we are moving to the US....to live on our own, in our own house, begin our married life seperate from our parents and yes be a farmers wife.  I dream about the day we get the mortgage and fend for ourselves.  I dream about the day that I don't have to ask if I can paint a room, and I can go to bed without having to wash the dishes and not get it in the neck in the morning.  I dream about the small farm we want, with the animals that depend on us with the house that needs us to warm its insides.   What if it takes us a year to get a job?  We have bills in 2 countries that need paid....oh dear Lord please don't let this be the worst mistake we ever make.

Yes worry would be what I am feeling about this move.....