I haven't blogged in a tad of time because there isn't much to talk about. Ok that is a lie,I have loads I would LOVE to talk about but I can't...for many reasons, but soon enough maybe I will be able to talk about things.
Mostly I have been working my arse off and burning myself out. Friday night I was driving home from work and just burst into tears, no reason, no sad thoughts, work was ok that day, I think it was just extreme tiredness. Then came the laughing, the laughter that I was sobbing for absolutly no reason, this brought on the hiccups...so I was a sobbing, laughing, hiccuping mess. I cleaned myself up by the time I got home and didn't mention (apart from Twitter) what had just happend. I just think I need more sleep and to use the word "no" a lot more.
I am firmly back on track with my weight loss, I have really cleaned up my diet and SHAZZAM my heartburn disappeared and I don't feel so creaky in my bones. Today I almost had a wobbly, but instead of getting the 24 inch french baguette I really wanted for lunch, Roy made a beautiful veggie pasta and I made an ok fruit salad which hit the spot a lot more then I thought it would and I was satisfied. So that is going ok, and I am hoping after this week's weigh in (I know it will be a gain, and I am determined to not let it bother me, but watch this space for my rantings after I find out how much I really gained) the scales will start to move downward again. This weight loss will put me closer to the farmers wife goal because once I feel I am light enough to start riding horse again, I am gonna get back in the saddle and start doing something that makes me so incredibly happy (and hope not to get too hurt in the process).
Have I mentioned how lucky I am to be married to the man I married. I know it is cliche to hear that I love him more and more everyday, but damn it is true. When we first got together (in person and not online) it was an all con-suming, can't get enough of each other, every thought was of being with each other love. The love I have now is a comfortable, secure, exciting, a damn-we-are-making-it...kind of love. I love this love, I look at this man and think JACK-FRIGGIN-POT! I have never been with someone who finds me irresistable and tells me so, nor have I been with someone who wants to be affectionate all the time and encourages with every crazy idea I have...but this man does and has done for the 6 years we have known one another. I have always been the chaser for everything, so when I am chased it feels good and I don't want it to stop. However I think he is the better spouse and I am not such a good love giver but I am getting better. I have a small little part of me that is scared to give all of myself to Roy because what if he leaves? I think we all have a small fear of that, but Roy does all he can to assure me what we have is real and isn't going to go away anytime soon. So yeah I just want to say that, not because I want you to be jealous, or that I am flaunting that I am married, but because it is how I truly you feel and for the neigh sayers that say this kind of love doesn't exist...I can say it does.
Anywho my amazing husband has made some amazing meal that I must go and do some serious damage to.
Toodles.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Having a serious case of the "not enoughs"
I am in serious need of a pep talk and a slap.
So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry. The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.
Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits. I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two. My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not. I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails. I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders. In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER! I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".
There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose" yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey. I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why?? I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit? It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it? I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me. I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.
I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough". I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn. I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage? WHAT?? Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it. Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that? I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.
This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough. I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.
When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie. I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT! I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent. This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"
I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me. I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap" but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?
I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house. I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder. I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control. I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG" Why is that? Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?
I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen. I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life. Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great? Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar? The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own. I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally. I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.
So I have been thinking about the next blog to write, you know the next mind blowing edition of the events of my life that will make you laugh, and cry and it will become apart of you and you can go live your life in full and complete happiness because you have read about my laundry. The only thing I can think of is that I am "not enough" of anything.
Lemme explain, when I say "not enough" I am not talking about money or material possessions here, I am talking about characters traits. I have been feeling the "not enoughs" for a solid month or two. My first bout of "not enough" came at work, I want to be the fast paced, easy going, fair, smart, fab executive that I am just not. I don't have enough patience to play the office politics game that is almost constantly called for where I work, I don't know who to coddle or who to be tough with...I don't know how to soften my emails. I feel like I don't have the smarty-pants brain that everyone else has, I miss details, I don't listen sometimes when I am emailing and I forget a lot...hence why I am constantly armed with post it notes, and my email calendar is chocka-a-block full with reminders. In my part time job I think that I am "not enough" there either...somehow I have got it in my head that I should rehabilitate all my lovlies into the young spritely youths they used to be...I should be SUPER CARER! I am just not, I read the notes from the other carers and I think "why didn't I think of that" and automatically deem myself as "not enough".
There are physical "not enoughs" as well, I have gained 10.5lbs since Christmas, when I admit this to people they say "oh Kristen it was Christmas everyone deserves to let loose" yeah that is true but I am on a weight loss journey, not a weight gain journey. I however think I have fallen off the wagon, I haven't lost enough weight and I am not strong enough to carry on this month.....so today I soothed myself with banoffee pie and some icecream and Roy is on his way home with pizza and garlic bread. Why?? I don't want to be fat anymore, and I know how to lose this weight...so why would I choose to eat shit? It literally requires me not to put junk food to my face...why can't I do it? I am not strong enough, I was succeeding and that scares me. I am afraid of succes, I am a self sabotager..I do this with money as well....again I am just "not enough" to keep it together and succeed.
I even feel "not enough" in the stuff I have achieved, I have dropped 4.5 stone in the last year but that is "not enough". I have a happy marriage, but I am surrounded by people either haver difficulty's in their marriages, breaking up with their partners, or struggling find someone worth a damn. I turn all of their turmoil onto myself, maybe I am not good enough to have such a great marriage? WHAT?? Really??? Seeing it written down looks crazy, but I still feel it. Why am I so special to be so lucky in love...what if I start to sabotage that? I have this wonderful,cute dog, that I have raised and that I love dearly but I don't feel like I spend enough time with him...what if he is truly unhappy and I am not doing the best for him, and being the best doggy mommy I can be...I am just not enough and so the cycle continues.
This "not enough" mentality even goes so far as to limit to where I travel, I don't go out to clubs anymore because I am not pretty enough. I don't have an interest in LA or Miami or Rio because I don't feel pretty enough of successful enough to go to these places, I would feel like a fraud.
When I said the "not enoughs" aren't monetary, ok that was a bit of a lie. I live with my father-in-law and I HATE IT! I am 30, been married for 5 years, and still live with a parent. This house isn't a bad house, in fact in terms of the UK it is a pretty great house but this isn't my house and there are too many ghosts here meaning, there has been a lot of unhappiness here and I think it haunts us all and we turn on each other. I need to live in a house I (or we) pay for, not one I feel like I am a free-loading, lazy, waste of space, but I don't make enough money to do so at the moment and not live in the slums of Ipswich where I would never sleep, again it is just "not enough"
I even apply it to this blog, I love reading everyone's blogs..you all have very interesting things to say, and you all seem to be on a path to a goal somewhere and that excites me. I hope to mirror that in my own blog, but when I re-read what I have written I think "what the hell, why did I write that, no one in their right mind wants to read this crap" but you know I let myself off because that is what I was feeling and thinking at the time and isn't what this blogging is all about anyway?
I think the final straw is that although I don't want children, I don't mind them as long as they are quiet and don't live at my house. I will play and coo at a child but the thought of being saddled with that 24/7 makes me physically shudder. I can not have children, it is another failure, one that I can't even control. I can't lose enough weight to make it happen, I can't get my hair just right to make it happen, I can't make enough money to make it happen, and I can't take a test that will make it happen...I don't want children but the rebel inside is saying "because someone told you, that you can't have this....PROVE THEM WRONG" Why is that? Something you don't want, you wouldn't think of, then someone tells you it won't happen anyway and you suddenly have an interest or at least an interest in proving them wrong?
I need a slap, I need to snap out of it, and I need to get off my ass and make my life happen. I am going to try and get this started....really sit down and figure out what the hell I want from this life. Am I ok to sit around and let life happen to me then complain when it isn't great? Am I ok to stay in a job that is safe and a job that I know like my own bedroom but with no chance for advancement because it is safe and familiar? The answers might be "yes" to all these questions but I have to figure that out on my own. I need to find an identity for myself both professionally and personally. I think I leave it here now, I would have liked this to be a completly positive blog but it ain't gonna be, you know the ups and downs of life and all of that.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
I would be a Dometic Goddess if I had the time!
I have about an hour and a half each week to get all my housecleaning done. Which to me is nothing, an hour and a half is getting all the towels in the airing cupboard to be in a neat tidy order, by size, and color and then I need that 30 secs to sit back and admire my work. I love things to be clean and tidy and clutter unsettles me immensly, I can't say I LOVE to clean but I do like things to be clean and tidy so for things to be that way I have to clean. However I work 7 days a week, just around the 60hr a week mark, so it doesn't leave a lot of time for me to be a domestic goddess which drives me a little bit batty. I intend to change this when I become a farmers wife, for now the butchers wife will have to accept that she will have to settle for a quick wipe of the tub and the sink and that I simply just don't have the time to get out my old toothbrushes and scrub the taps and tiles clean.
Speaking of cleaning my favorite task and the task I always seem to be knee deep in 24/7 is laundry. Doing your laundry in the UK is a whole world away from laundry in the US...the UK seem to have an aversion to tumble dryers, while in the US we don't exaclty know how clothes get dry without them. I am still getting used to this after 5 years, we have a tumble dryer here at Sharpe estates but to use it requires a presentation to the Fonster-in-law, once that is approved you get a time limit to use it because "I am not blooming paying the earth for your clothing to dry" hmmph, and then you have to show him everything you put in the tumble dryer so he can approve the worthiness of the item to be dried. In the summer laundry is quite easy, that is if it doesn't rain (rain in Britian NEVER) because I just pop it on the clothes line and because we live so close to the sea there is a always a breeze. However in the winter laundry becomes a whole other kettle of fish, washing it is fine, drying it....that could take months. So once it is dry (which it never really is, God knows how I haven't gotten rotten crotch in the time I have been here), then comes the hours of ironing it. Ironing MUST be done because you don't have the heat from the tumble dryer to get all those wrinkles out. I have the added privilegde to be married to a butcher who wears heavy linen lab coats that require all my body weight on the iron to make it look slightly less wrinkled, so again if I had the time I would so rock that laundry in an afternoon (of course if the Fonster-in-Law is out and I can air the smell of clean laundry out the back door)
Have I completely bored you yet?
Ok apart from working all hours God sends, and trying to keep my house from looking like a hoarder lives here (honestly I don't know how those of you with children manage to have spotless homes, my hats off to you), I am also on a weight loss journey. Yes you heard me right, I have been on one for about a year now. I have managed to lose around 70lbs, but since June my weight loss has all but stopped, and since Christmas I have put on 10.5lbs (there I said it). I can tell you that in the beginning the weight loss was fab (I am using a program called Slimming World, kinda like Weight Watchers with the meetings and stuff but you are able to eat much more), but ever since I lost the first 50 my body isn't happy. For those of you that know me, know that I have been big all my life, I don't know why I eat so much I guess I just like it. However I don't want to be so big anymore, the people of the UK never forget to remind how big I am everyday so it is time to slim that ass down. My problem is I have lost my way, after Thursday's weigh in I sooooo want to jack it in. 3 more pounds on and I have been super good at eating, so to say I wanted to run out of the building in true Diva style is an understatment. I am torn between just quitting and really giving it a good go, and finding the time (maybe I can survive on 3 hrs of sleep a week) to get my ass up off the couch and go for a walk, or a strolll, or maybe I should just sit on the couch and try to melt my brain with another episode of Teen Mom. If I jack it in, I get to each shit again and gain all my weight back, if I decide to give it another honest go I might start losing again and become the super model size 16 I have always wanted to be.....the verdict is still out I have 3 fab weeks of celebrating to look forward to, maybe I will try hard in March.
My effort to become a farmers wife is in the research stages right now, well if you can call it that. Roy gets me all sorts of books out of the library so I can learn all about becoming the perfect chicken raiser, or the perfect gardener, or the perfect all around farm wife, but the time I get to look at these books is right before I hit the hay (see what I did there) and I usually end up falling asleep or smacking myself in the face with these books having not read a single word whilst falling asleep, so my research isn't going that great.
Anyway I will persevere and maybe I will do what I normally do and just jump in with both feet and learn along the way..ha ha!
Speaking of cleaning my favorite task and the task I always seem to be knee deep in 24/7 is laundry. Doing your laundry in the UK is a whole world away from laundry in the US...the UK seem to have an aversion to tumble dryers, while in the US we don't exaclty know how clothes get dry without them. I am still getting used to this after 5 years, we have a tumble dryer here at Sharpe estates but to use it requires a presentation to the Fonster-in-law, once that is approved you get a time limit to use it because "I am not blooming paying the earth for your clothing to dry" hmmph, and then you have to show him everything you put in the tumble dryer so he can approve the worthiness of the item to be dried. In the summer laundry is quite easy, that is if it doesn't rain (rain in Britian NEVER) because I just pop it on the clothes line and because we live so close to the sea there is a always a breeze. However in the winter laundry becomes a whole other kettle of fish, washing it is fine, drying it....that could take months. So once it is dry (which it never really is, God knows how I haven't gotten rotten crotch in the time I have been here), then comes the hours of ironing it. Ironing MUST be done because you don't have the heat from the tumble dryer to get all those wrinkles out. I have the added privilegde to be married to a butcher who wears heavy linen lab coats that require all my body weight on the iron to make it look slightly less wrinkled, so again if I had the time I would so rock that laundry in an afternoon (of course if the Fonster-in-Law is out and I can air the smell of clean laundry out the back door)
Have I completely bored you yet?
Ok apart from working all hours God sends, and trying to keep my house from looking like a hoarder lives here (honestly I don't know how those of you with children manage to have spotless homes, my hats off to you), I am also on a weight loss journey. Yes you heard me right, I have been on one for about a year now. I have managed to lose around 70lbs, but since June my weight loss has all but stopped, and since Christmas I have put on 10.5lbs (there I said it). I can tell you that in the beginning the weight loss was fab (I am using a program called Slimming World, kinda like Weight Watchers with the meetings and stuff but you are able to eat much more), but ever since I lost the first 50 my body isn't happy. For those of you that know me, know that I have been big all my life, I don't know why I eat so much I guess I just like it. However I don't want to be so big anymore, the people of the UK never forget to remind how big I am everyday so it is time to slim that ass down. My problem is I have lost my way, after Thursday's weigh in I sooooo want to jack it in. 3 more pounds on and I have been super good at eating, so to say I wanted to run out of the building in true Diva style is an understatment. I am torn between just quitting and really giving it a good go, and finding the time (maybe I can survive on 3 hrs of sleep a week) to get my ass up off the couch and go for a walk, or a strolll, or maybe I should just sit on the couch and try to melt my brain with another episode of Teen Mom. If I jack it in, I get to each shit again and gain all my weight back, if I decide to give it another honest go I might start losing again and become the super model size 16 I have always wanted to be.....the verdict is still out I have 3 fab weeks of celebrating to look forward to, maybe I will try hard in March.
My effort to become a farmers wife is in the research stages right now, well if you can call it that. Roy gets me all sorts of books out of the library so I can learn all about becoming the perfect chicken raiser, or the perfect gardener, or the perfect all around farm wife, but the time I get to look at these books is right before I hit the hay (see what I did there) and I usually end up falling asleep or smacking myself in the face with these books having not read a single word whilst falling asleep, so my research isn't going that great.
Anyway I will persevere and maybe I will do what I normally do and just jump in with both feet and learn along the way..ha ha!
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Best you git to know me better!
I thought all day about what my next post would be, I toyed with a few ideas but as if I was crumpling up the paper and throwing it in the bin none of my ideas seemed that great...so I guess this will be the getting to know me section. Although most of you reading this already know plently about me, of course I can't possibly tell you EVERYTHING about me...I can provide a small speck of insight.
I grew up pretty happy, I have great parents who decided that although the couldn't love or live with each other they could still love my brother and I the best they could...of course they made mistakes but don't we all?
My school years were pretty unremarkable, I wasn't a bad student but I wasn't a great student I happily existed pretty much right in the middle, ok maybe towards the higher grades of the middle but def not anywhere close to a smarty. I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I was in high school, I thought I might be a vet but went to shadow a vet for a day and watched her put an old, black poodle to sleep and knew that this wasn't the career for me. I decided that maybe my personality lended itself more towards the media (ha)....I started in college radio while I was still in high school picking up an on-air gig on Susquehanna University Radio...man I thought I hit the big time, and when they asked to me back 2 years in a row I knew where I belonged (or at least something I could do that I wouldn't totally hate). So I went off to the first University that would take me ....HELLO Shipp!
This is where it all goes hazy, ok I did drink in college, I prob drank a lot more than I should have.....but can I be honest here?...I don't remember a whole lot about college. I remember some friends, and I remember some people, but if I went back for homecoming weekend I would feel like a stranger. I don't know why my college memories are only in little block memories but this is what it is. I loved this time in life and I feel a little cheated I can't remember most of it.
After college I remember sort of drifting between living with my Dad, and various friends that thought we could co-exist together and in the end we realized that we are a lot more different or annoying than either of us let on. This drifiting that I was doing during this time lead down the path to a few evil people who would change my life forever (maybe more about that later). I also wanted more than anything to meet a man and settle down and have a "normal" life, whatever the heck that is. All my friends were doing it, I swear all my closest friends got married in a span of 6 months so I was always the third wheel, or the fixer upper...ugh.
It would take one of the worst events in my life to take place to lead me to the man I would fall madly in love with and marry. I don't really want to go into the whole story tonight but I will say, I met Roy online in August 2005, he came to visit me in the US in December 2005 and within four days of the physical meeting we were engaged and planning a wedding....WHHHAAAA I was 25 and invincible and had a man that ticked all my boxes and had a hot English accent to just put the cherry on top. This man totally changed my view of love and marriage and still continues to astonish me with this unconditional love and affection.
So anyway I got married at 25, and moved to the UK. Lots of people thought I was crazy at the time and maybe I was. I was stepping into a life I knew nothing about. I hold the belief that a lot of people think I made this decision to move to hurt everyone, or to attract attention to myself. Well I can say it was a selfish decision but I literally only moved to be with my husband, not hurt anyone or one up anyone..that's the truth.
So 5 years later I am 30 about to turn 31 and I still have identity and body isssues, I don't know what I want to be exactly when I grow up, or if I want to grow up. I want to be a farmers wife, yes, but I also want my career to take off, I want to grow closer to the Lord (by the way if you don't want to read my "religous" talk there is a red X in the corner you can hit), I want to be a better wife, a better doggy Mom, 7 stone lighter, I want to own a cherry red Jeep Wrangler, I want to go to Las Vegas at least once, I want to conquer my fear of flying, I want to own lots-o-animals, I want to grow my own veg, learn to can, learn to sew, own my own home....and man so much more. I love a good fart joke. Pizza Hut is prob my fav restuarant. I love my dog more than someone should love their dog, and I talk about him all the time. My Mom is closer to me than any friends and I tell her everything. My music tastes are so varied that I can't even begin to define them here. I have trouble driving ugly cars. I am a typical, loud, fat (no really I am) American. I have finally come to love my curly hair, and if I have an extra 5 mins to hand I am either watching crap-rot-your-brain tv or napping....this is just the little bit about me...hope ya like it.
I grew up pretty happy, I have great parents who decided that although the couldn't love or live with each other they could still love my brother and I the best they could...of course they made mistakes but don't we all?
My school years were pretty unremarkable, I wasn't a bad student but I wasn't a great student I happily existed pretty much right in the middle, ok maybe towards the higher grades of the middle but def not anywhere close to a smarty. I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I was in high school, I thought I might be a vet but went to shadow a vet for a day and watched her put an old, black poodle to sleep and knew that this wasn't the career for me. I decided that maybe my personality lended itself more towards the media (ha)....I started in college radio while I was still in high school picking up an on-air gig on Susquehanna University Radio...man I thought I hit the big time, and when they asked to me back 2 years in a row I knew where I belonged (or at least something I could do that I wouldn't totally hate). So I went off to the first University that would take me ....HELLO Shipp!
This is where it all goes hazy, ok I did drink in college, I prob drank a lot more than I should have.....but can I be honest here?...I don't remember a whole lot about college. I remember some friends, and I remember some people, but if I went back for homecoming weekend I would feel like a stranger. I don't know why my college memories are only in little block memories but this is what it is. I loved this time in life and I feel a little cheated I can't remember most of it.
After college I remember sort of drifting between living with my Dad, and various friends that thought we could co-exist together and in the end we realized that we are a lot more different or annoying than either of us let on. This drifiting that I was doing during this time lead down the path to a few evil people who would change my life forever (maybe more about that later). I also wanted more than anything to meet a man and settle down and have a "normal" life, whatever the heck that is. All my friends were doing it, I swear all my closest friends got married in a span of 6 months so I was always the third wheel, or the fixer upper...ugh.
It would take one of the worst events in my life to take place to lead me to the man I would fall madly in love with and marry. I don't really want to go into the whole story tonight but I will say, I met Roy online in August 2005, he came to visit me in the US in December 2005 and within four days of the physical meeting we were engaged and planning a wedding....WHHHAAAA I was 25 and invincible and had a man that ticked all my boxes and had a hot English accent to just put the cherry on top. This man totally changed my view of love and marriage and still continues to astonish me with this unconditional love and affection.
So anyway I got married at 25, and moved to the UK. Lots of people thought I was crazy at the time and maybe I was. I was stepping into a life I knew nothing about. I hold the belief that a lot of people think I made this decision to move to hurt everyone, or to attract attention to myself. Well I can say it was a selfish decision but I literally only moved to be with my husband, not hurt anyone or one up anyone..that's the truth.
So 5 years later I am 30 about to turn 31 and I still have identity and body isssues, I don't know what I want to be exactly when I grow up, or if I want to grow up. I want to be a farmers wife, yes, but I also want my career to take off, I want to grow closer to the Lord (by the way if you don't want to read my "religous" talk there is a red X in the corner you can hit), I want to be a better wife, a better doggy Mom, 7 stone lighter, I want to own a cherry red Jeep Wrangler, I want to go to Las Vegas at least once, I want to conquer my fear of flying, I want to own lots-o-animals, I want to grow my own veg, learn to can, learn to sew, own my own home....and man so much more. I love a good fart joke. Pizza Hut is prob my fav restuarant. I love my dog more than someone should love their dog, and I talk about him all the time. My Mom is closer to me than any friends and I tell her everything. My music tastes are so varied that I can't even begin to define them here. I have trouble driving ugly cars. I am a typical, loud, fat (no really I am) American. I have finally come to love my curly hair, and if I have an extra 5 mins to hand I am either watching crap-rot-your-brain tv or napping....this is just the little bit about me...hope ya like it.
Monday, 30 January 2012
And so it begins
I have often thought about starting a blog, and I have thought of loads of things to write, sometimes its witty, sometimes funny but mostly just about me. I have loads going on in my head and I think a lot of it might shock you or not, but basically I just need to get it out before it eats me up. I am not who I pretend to be, don't worry this won't take an Emo turn, I won't start writing about how my black hearts beats on steel razor blades or anything but sometimes what my mouth says is not what my brain is thinking.
I guess my first revelation is tonight is that I am a road-rage-aholic, nothing gets me a-cussing and a-swearing like a stupid driver or a high beam to the eyes. Just tonight you could find me rolling down the street in Hemmingstone screaming at an idiotic BMW driver who couldn't wait the 3 secs it took me to get to a point in the road where he/she could pass me without any hassle...ooooohhhhh noooo they had to make me back up even though I had further to travel backwards then they had to wait to me to get to that point in to road...I wound down my window and yelled something like "Where the frick did you want me to go?" and I am sure a gesture followed that up, but in the dark it was hardly effective. So that is my usual routine, I scream at stupid drivers in the morning and evening.
So do you wanna know why I named my blog I want to be a farmers wife?? Well because I do want to be a farmers wife, I want to live off the land and the animals I raise and grow. I am seriously addicted to animals and could quite happily be an animal hoarder if not closely watched. So I thought maybe starting a blog about how I intend to be a farmers wife, and all the other crazy ideas I think up and try to undertake would saitate me and maybe calm the crazy down in my head.
For now I just dream and scheme about waking up on my small farm, with my husband and 8 (maybe 20) dogs and letting the horses and cattle out to run. As for now I feed my one overweight miniature schanauzer and wish it was more, and I drive to my office job while thinking about growing my own veg, canning it, and feeding my family (of 2.5 people, myself included) come whatever the ecomnomic climate...this is my life's ambition...as well as having fun along the way.
I guess my first revelation is tonight is that I am a road-rage-aholic, nothing gets me a-cussing and a-swearing like a stupid driver or a high beam to the eyes. Just tonight you could find me rolling down the street in Hemmingstone screaming at an idiotic BMW driver who couldn't wait the 3 secs it took me to get to a point in the road where he/she could pass me without any hassle...ooooohhhhh noooo they had to make me back up even though I had further to travel backwards then they had to wait to me to get to that point in to road...I wound down my window and yelled something like "Where the frick did you want me to go?" and I am sure a gesture followed that up, but in the dark it was hardly effective. So that is my usual routine, I scream at stupid drivers in the morning and evening.
So do you wanna know why I named my blog I want to be a farmers wife?? Well because I do want to be a farmers wife, I want to live off the land and the animals I raise and grow. I am seriously addicted to animals and could quite happily be an animal hoarder if not closely watched. So I thought maybe starting a blog about how I intend to be a farmers wife, and all the other crazy ideas I think up and try to undertake would saitate me and maybe calm the crazy down in my head.
For now I just dream and scheme about waking up on my small farm, with my husband and 8 (maybe 20) dogs and letting the horses and cattle out to run. As for now I feed my one overweight miniature schanauzer and wish it was more, and I drive to my office job while thinking about growing my own veg, canning it, and feeding my family (of 2.5 people, myself included) come whatever the ecomnomic climate...this is my life's ambition...as well as having fun along the way.
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